I'm Home!!!

Well, I'm home!  I made it!  It's so nice to sleep in my own bed. 

The World is Off My Shoulders

I helped our replacements get the truck ready for tonight's mission and then sent them on their own way!  They won't get back for at least four days.  I am officially done with combat operations!!!!!  Now I just have to sit in the heat for a few more days before we catch our flight out of here.  I feel so light and I really miss home.  It will still be three weeks before I can actually come home, but I'm one big step closer.  As of now, August 8th is the target date to be released.  Hopefully it's sooner than that!

Too Close to the End

Our final mission is finally over.  We will probably have another one shared with our replacements but it won't be the same.  At least I hope that is all that is left.  Our last mission was a little too exciting for my taste, especially this close to the end.  A couple of days ago we were the targets of a rocket attack.  They missed, but only by a few hundred feet!  Events like that that would have made for good stories a few months ago aren't so amusing when you know you are so close to going home.  We are all safe though and no one got hurt.  We are just glad to be back off of our mission and resting for a few days until our next one.

Short Timer

When I was on a mission they called us trunky.  Here they call us short timers.  Although it will take me longer to actually get home, I have less than 30 days here in Iraq.  That's getting close enough to make it hard to concentrate or have much enthusiasm about the work I have to do.  We are in the middle of a long and boring mission carrying the mail between here and the place it is flown into.  The days are long and we don't get much rest between trips.  While the weather has been bad enough to cancel everyone else's missions, we have special dispensation to roll without medivac support because we are carrying the mail (medivac helicopters don't fly in dust storms!).  The bright side is that our replacements will be here in just a few days and they might even take over our mission before we are finished with it.  That would be great.  

My thoughts are a little scattered today and it is hard to write about them.  I haven't written about this before because of how difficult it is.  I try not to think about going home so that I can focus on my job and not feel miserably homesick, but writing about it opens up all those thoughts and feelings.  The army doesn't make it any easier when they start the preparations to move so early on.  We had to have our extra stuff packed and put in the shipping container last week.  In two days we are moving out of our comfortable barracks and into transient housing so that our replacements can move right into them when they arrive.  All this with almost a month left.  It makes it seem like we are about to leave, but then the reality hits that it is not over yet.  It makes it hard to not think about going home.  

I think that I had forgotten what a burden this all is.  I had been just doing my job and going about my business and my mind let me thing that it was normal and ok.  Then we had to pack our stuff.  Try as I might, I couldn't help but realize that the end was near.  I let down my guard as I was rolling my boxes out to the shipping container and felt the weight of all of this suddenly fall upon me.  Even when I went on leave I didn't let my guard down like this.  I knew I had to come back so I didn't let myself fully relax.  Julie might have noticed how I didn't want to talk about my deployment to a lot of people and didn't feel comfortable acting like I was home.  I realize now that it is going to be a lot different this time.  This time I get to go home and don't have to come back.  I'll be able to take the weight off my mind and face the reality of what I have just done and what now lies ahead.  I remember how it felt to come back from my mission.  I expect this to be the same in some ways but different in others.  

I guess I am rambling.  I wish I could organize my thoughts better.  It's hard to take in though and I'm still resisting letting myself really thing about it.  I just can't wait to get home.

The Poor

This isn't going to be a post about the war.  It is going to be a rant about my frustration with conservatives in Arlington.  

I am tired of being lumped in with the perpetual welfare recipients.  I am tired of the attitude that people have of the "poor people" in Arlington.  Yes, there are people who do not and will not ever contribute to society.  Some of them even live in Arlington, but most people who fall bellow the poverty line are like Julie and I.  We are young students who are in school or who just finished school who are trying to start our lives.  We have to start it from scratch and that means we might need a little help.  Most of us will go on to pay back society for what we take when we are young many times over.  We won't live below the poverty line forever.  

I am so tired of conservative and libertarians of our city who only judge all of us to be the same and unworthy of a place in society.  No public transit for the "poor".  No help from the city to help "poor" kids participate in recreation programs.  Why do I need to pay for the "poor" to do anything.  If they were meant to be part of society they wouldn't be "poor".  Their attitude is racist, bigoted and prejudiced.  Those are serious accusations, but they drip of the truth.  Judging all "poor" people as being the same, in such a negative way, is the definition of bigotry. It smacks of classism and European conservatism.  It denies people the dignity of being individuals.

It's funny how when I tell people that I am a soldier and that my family takes advantage of the grants and programs offered by the government for "poor" people how they show compassion and say, "of course we are willing to pay to help a soldier's family, it's just all the other's who don't deserve it that we won't pay for."  Once I am no longer a faceless member of the ranks of the "poor" it is ok.  Once I am a person with an understandable circumstance they are willing to pay.  Why then do we assume that everyone who needs these services is any less deserving than I?  Why are the 30,000 students at UTA ignored when talking about the "poor" who would benefit from mass transit, or public spaces or public programs?  Why are the young people of the city overlooked and ignored?  

The results are obvious if you look at them.  Young people are leaving Arlington.  Academics call it "white flight", but all it really is is the discouragement that young people, just starting out in life, feel about a city that doesn't care for them.  They leave, and their parents leave.  Once enough start to leave, the city has a reputation. 

There are other factors of course, but as a person who wants to see the city succeed and as a young person trying to start out his life, this is the one that affects me the most.  I wish these people would leave their houses and go talk to the people that live in their city with them.  Find out what their situations are and realize that most of these people, if encouraged to stay, will eventually become solid contributors to our community.   The huge majority of "poor" people don't stay poor.

Well, there it is. More war stories later...

Stress

I was surprised tonight to realize how well I have gotten used to the stress of our missions.  I've been driving down the same stretch of road for so long now that it has almost become commonplace.  As I sat there thinking about what I was doing, that I was actually looking for bombs that people might have placed on the side of the road, I realized how normal that had become and how little thought I had given it up until then.  Then I realized how alert I was and how tense I was and that I was always like that but that I hadn't really thought about it before or noticed.  It is amazing how well we cope with situations that we are put into.  Situations that if we were to step back and really thing about we would be very uncomfortable.  Suiting up and looking for bombs is just my job and it is what I do everyday.  It's become so common that I don't even think about it.  But that doesn't mean the stress isn't there.  It doesn't mean that as I am driving down the road my adrenaline isn't pumping or that I am not running through all of the scenarios of "what if" in my mind just in case.  It's just that now it's normal.  

I am back safe once again.  One more trip down and one less to do before I get to go home.  I'll be glad when I don't have to look out for bombs on the side of the road anymore.

The Worst Dust Storm Yet!

We are back in our tents at VBC after one interesting adventure. Outside the worst dust storm I have yet seen is raging. The wind is blowing hard and visibility is down to just a few feet! I have seen a lot of dust storms, but nothing like this. We were lined up earlier to leave on our return trip to Camp Taji when the storm blew up. It was already pretty bad out there, but we had gotten special permission to roll without air support. We were just starting our roll when the word came down that the mission had been canceled. We just had one problem. Our convoy was lined up at the gate with no room to turn around. We had to leave the gate, go down the road a couple of miles to a point were it was wide enough for us to turn around and then come back in the gate. The whole trip couldn’t have been more than four miles, but it took us 30 minutes. Even with his tail lights on, I couldn’t see the truck in front of me if he got more than 30 or 40 yards away. We crawled along with only our headlights on because any more than that made things worse.

Right before we rolled out we picked up an extra passenger. He was a First Sergeant from a company here at VBC that needed to get to Taji for some reason. When we got back inside the gate he asked if we could give him a ride back to his company. We said that we would, but it proved to be more difficult than we thought it would be. Once on post the storm got even worse. I couldn’t see more than 10 feet to either side of my truck. Our passenger tried to give us directions, but we couldn’t see any landmarks. I finally got as close as I thought I could to where he was directing us and told him he was going to have to walk. Being in the back of the truck where there are really no windows, I don’t think he understood how difficult it was for me to see anything. He seemed a little upset at my inability to find his stop until he opened the back door of the truck and was greeted by a wall of dust that blew into the truck as if it was water rushing in the open door. Our truck was almost instantly full of dust. He decided I had done a good enough job given the circumstances and quickly disappeared as he walked away. We drove back to our staging area and got our of the truck as quickly as possible. In the 40 or 50 yards from our truck to the tent we got covered in white dust like talcum powder. Most of us are still covered because we know that if we walk to the shower to get clean we will just be dirty again by the time we get back. Thank goodness for baby wipes!

Trip to VBC

I was going to write about my exciting trip to Victory Base in Baghdad, and how cool it is to be a soldier doing what I am doing, but then I read about Christian Hood's last mission he went on in Afghanistan and now I am not so sure I feel like bragging.  He is also in the Texas National Guard, but is serving in Afghanistan.  On his blog he writes of three days with no food or water at a mountain top observation point in the rain.  When they finally get to go home, they have to shoot their way through a Taliban ambush.  Wow!  Our night was not so bad compared to that.  We had to wait four hours on the highway for what is usually a 45 minute trip because a roadside bomb went off in front of us. They closed the road down.  I was going to complain about what it is like to just sit there waiting in the dark for some news or for the order to continue the mission.  How boring it is, and how tense it can be.  We were stuck on an elevated portion of a freeway in a location where the enemy likes to sit underneath and throw rocks or take pot shots at the trucks passing by above.  I had to leave the truck a couple of times to relieve myself, and my heart was in my throat each time as I left the relative safety of my big armored truck.  But after reading about Christian's experience, mine didn't seam so bad.  I had an air conditioned, bulletproof truck to sit in.  I am the driver so I have to most comfortable seat.  I had my iPod to listen to and watch recorded television shows on, and I drank cold soda from our cooler and had all the Doritos I could eat from the case that we carry in the back of the truck.  

I guess that I could die in a fiery bomb blast just as easily as Christian could be shot in an ambush, but I have to admit that I am a lot more comfortable and drive around in a lot more style than a lot of soldiers are and do.  If I ever found myself stranded with no food or water it would mean that things had really gone bad.  It's not likely to happen to me.   I guess I really don't have it so bad.  There is always someone who is in a worse situation than you are!  

More Pictures

These were large rooms that soldiers divided into individual rooms with plywood.

My room is at the end of this dark hallway.

The main hallway outside our little area.


Everyone seemed so interested I thought I would show some more.  It's not as nice on the inside.

Pictures of Home

Our company headquarters and main barracks.

There are showers in the portable building.  We also have indoor showers, but we have to clean those while contractors clean the portable!  Notice the bull on the ropes.

This is our courtyard, or "prison yard" as we call it.  Not too bad of a place to hang out... at least when it was cooler.

Vacation

I finally got around to writing something. I have been on “vacation” for the last two days. It was a surprise to me, but I have been trying to make the best of it. It started out quite different than it has turned out to be. About three days ago soldiers from the company headquarters came and found me just as I was waking up. They told me that I was leaving in about 12 hours to go on a four day pass to Qatar. I had been told a few weeks earlier that my name had been picked for an extra pass, but I hadn’t heard anything since then and had pretty much forgotten about it. Being in the army I am used to things changing. So I was pretty surprised when they actually came and told me I was leaving. I was also surprised to find out with such little time to prepare. I don’t know anything about Qatar or even why people go there on their passes. I guess they have set it up so that there are things that soldiers can do but as I asked around it all seemed to cost money. I guess the most popular thing to do their is drink. You can’t do that here, but you can there. Since I don’t drink that didn’t leave much. There is a mall, but I really don’t have much of a need to go shopping. That leaves restaurants like Chili’s. Basically four days of paying for all my own food and entertainment. I guess that is what a vacation is supposed to be, but I wasn’t really budgeting for it so the prospect was a little unnerving.

I know I am starting to sound negative about the whole thing, but I was starting to feel negative about the whole thing. To make it even less appealing, the trip down there is not pleasant. You have to ride a helicopter to Baghdad, and then an army transport for several hours to Qatar. All at strange hours. Finally once I arrived I would have to adjust to a day schedule and then adjust back to a night schedule once I returned. Pretty petty I guess. After all it is supposed to be treat and a vacation, but what I really wanted was just some time to relax. Not sight see, or go restaurant hopping or long hours of unpleasant travel, but just relax.

I was really nervous about it as I was getting ready to leave on the first leg of the trip a couple of days ago. I had to stay up all day in order to wait for our flight. The weather was bad, meaning of course too much dust in the air, so after waiting all day in the heat they finally cancelled out flight. Not only did we miss our chance that day to leave, They mixed things up and I didn’t get manifested on the flight leaving the next day. They said that I would have to wait on the standby list. I decided right then, after all my apprehension about the trip and after 24 hours without sleep, that I was going to ask if I actually had to go. I went back to headquarters and asked if I could just take my pass here on Camp Taji. They told me if that is what I wanted to do with my four days then they had no objection. I talked them into letting that first day be a travel day and not have my pass start until midnight. They told all the company leadership that I wasn’t to be touched or bothered or anything, and the let me go back to my room. I have been chilling ever since.

It has really been nice! I have gone to the PX and bought some souvenirs for my boys like I have been meaning to do for a while now and have spent some time in the gym. I have slept a lot and basically just done whatever I wanted to! I still have two more days of this and I think it has turned out great! I am still here, but I can feel the weight of my responsibility lifted off my shoulders and have been able to enjoy myself. And I have saved a lot of money!

Sand Storm on the Road

This is at about 4:00 in the afternoon!

About 100 miles south of Baghdad.

Dog Days

It's that time where it is close to us coming home, but not really close enough.  It's hard not to think about it and get excited about it and yet we still have a couple of months and a few missions to go.  One thing that makes it a little more difficult is that they are still adding all sorts of new things for us to do.  With such little time left, does it really matter if we start putting drip pans under our trucks when we park them?

I have also had a hard time lately because I was put in another truck.  I was made the driver in SGT Bruno's truck.  He was my TC all through training, and we were eventually separated because of personal problems between us.  I'm not sure what my platoon sergeant was thinking when he put us back together again.  At first we thought it was going to be a temporary assignment until I got put in charge of my own truck, but that never happened and now the assignment has become permanent.  At first we were professional and made it work because it was only supposed to be for one or two trips.  Now it has broken down to our old animosity and things are getting difficult.  We just don't like each other.  He wants to prove that I am only a specialist and he is a sergeant so he shows me little respect and treats me like an peon.  He doesn't "have my back" and is looking to call me out in front of everyone for anything little I might do wrong.  For my part I am frustrated by the lack of respect and fight his attempts at putting me down any way I can.  Shouting is often the result.  I think he is a terrible TC and a terrible NCO (and I know he knows that).  I almost want him to fail; 1) so he gets fired and I get his job, and 2) because he is always telling me how HE is in charge and that my opinion as a subordinate is irrelevant.  Since he doesn't want my input I take a perverse pleasure in keeping it from him even if it means his failure.  He sure does bring out the worst in me!  

I give most people the benefit of the doubt.  Even if I don't like someone I try to respect them as human beings.  I'm a nice guy.  But I hate this man.  Simple as that.  It is a problem and a sin but it's the truth.  I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time.  I keep hoping that I get taken out of the situation and put back in my old truck, but the truth is I need to deal with my feelings and try to work it out.  Good luck to me!

Other than that I am well.  I am exercising a lot and wearing myself out.  I am healthy and am getting a lot of practice at my drawing and am showing some improvement.  I am gaining the respect of those around me (partly because they see how I've been treated and how I am handling it).  I am excited about having another baby! (Julie is pregnant if you didn't already know.  I had fun on my leave!) And I can't wait to get home.

Moroni Goes into Battle One More Time

The Heat is Here

Well, Iraq is starting to live up to its reputation.  Starting a few days ago it got hot and hasn't gotten any better.  It has been near 110 degrees during the day.  Now, this isn't as hot as it seems.  110 in Texas is about the worst thing I have ever felt, and I have lived in the Amazon!  It is so dry here that it feels a lot different.  It is still hot though.  It makes me glad that I work at night.  

I went to church today.  It was the first time in three weeks that I have been on post to go.  I finally gave up walking, mostly because of the heat, and convinced the people at OPS to give me the keys to a Hummer.  I got to drive to church in the air conditioning today.  A lot is changing around here.  The transition that will eventually lead to my replacement has started.  Some of our transportation elements are starting to be replaced (the people we escort) and the aviation brigade from the 4th ID is starting to be replaced by soldiers from the 1st Cavalry.  That means a lot of turnover at church.  There were only a couple of people there today that I recognized.  There are sure to be more people attending in the future as the new troops get settled in and people find the chapel where we hold services.   All the turnover means new callings and I have been asked to be the sunday school teacher.  I'm looking forward to it.  It will be easier than giving sacrament talks on short notice like I had to today.  My mission president told us that we should always have a talk ready and he wasn't lying! 

Speaking of replacements, the last time we were in Baghdad, which was a couple of days ago, we picked up a few soldiers that were just arriving to Iraq for the first time.  We brought them here to Camp Taji where they will be serving.  As we waited in the staging area for our time to leave I got talking to a couple of them.  They are from Washington and are relieving some of our transportation troops.  One of them looked at me and said, "I hear you are the artist", and pointed to my old truck.  A few weeks ago I had painted a stencil of the Angel Moroni on the turret because all the other guys in my platoon had painted the Archangel Michael on theirs (a catholic thing: the Archangel is the protector of the infantry).  I told the guy that yes I was the artist and he told me that he, and the soldier standing next to him, were members of the church and were really glad to see Moroni on one of the trucks after just arriving in Iraq.  I told them when and where church was held and we had a good time talking.  I was wondering if someone would ever comment on the stencil, and I'm glad that it worked!  I can't wait to get to know those guys (and a few others according to them) as they start coming to church.  

Back to Normal

Well, I think that things are getting back to normal for me. Not that things I am doing are normal with me being in a different truck doing a different job, but the way I am feeling is back to normal. I guess with this new mission that is a regular schedule day in and day out I a have lost the feeling that I had before. Now I anticipate things and expect them. My sleep is regular and now I’m getting too much because there isn’t any reason to get up. We work everyday but only for a few hours then we are off. It is nice that we are on mission and that no one is bothering us, but it isn’t like it was before. The unpredictability life during our last mission seemed to set me free. I don’t know if I feel that now.

It could also be that I am really tired after starting a this new workout routine!

I just don’t feel as focused as I was before. I’m not as motivated to read or write. My thoughts aren’t as deep. It was a good experience though while it was happening.

An Excerpt from my Journal

I know that this will be quite a long post, but after writing this in my journal today I wanted to share the whole entry in its entirety.  I hope you enjoy!

I have a couple of hours before I have to leave on mission. Today has been one of those days when I just feel in the zone. I woke up a few hours ago and the power was off. I have a corner room so I have two windows. They are usually covered with think blankets so that I can sleep during the day in darkness, but under the circumstances I was able to draw back the blankets and have some light. I couldn’t use my computer and it was quieter than it has ever been. Partly because the air conditioner wasn’t blowing and partly because everyone else left the are to be out of the darkness. It was a nice time to just sit in my chair and be alone. I read a little bit our of the book “Bridges of Madison County” that I found in our day room. I’m not quite sure what I think about the book, but it at least made me think. I guess that is what good literature is supposed to do even if you disagree with the author.

I had plenty of time because of our late SP time so after a while I decided to go out walking and do a few errands. I dropped off some laundry at the laundry facility and then walked to the PX. I was looking for some earbuds to take with us on this mission because my headphones are a little bulky to pack and carry around with me but the PX didn’t have any in stock. Instead I got a Newsweek magazine and some microwave popcorn. I wanted to go to chow but the DFAC didn’t open for quite a while so I decided to just sit at a picnic table outside the PX and read a little out of the magazine. I didn’t read much though because another soldier came up to me and started a conversation. I had never seen him before but I recognized the “Keystone” patch on his sleeve telling me he was part of the Pennsylvania National Guard Striker brigade that is also stationed here at camp Taji. I told him about Andy being from Pennsylvania and we made small talk for a little while. I was a little surprised at how bold he was to start the conversation, but enjoyed talking to someone. When his cigarette was finished he stood up and left leaving me to my reading. I read for a little while and then got up to go eat. It was nice just sitting there with my thoughts. It was warm today, but by this time a dust cloud had risen in the west and obscured the afternoon sun cooling things off a bit. It is a desert heat hear and the shade is considerably cooler than the direct sunlight. It was quite pleasant to sit and walk in. I walked to the DFAC, talked a little with an old friend from Steve’s body shop (who repainted my Mustang) who was also in line and then sat by myself. Once again it was nice to have time to just sit and ponder things. After a while SPC Herrera came and sat next to me and we had a good time talking about the strange fruits of south and central America. He lived in Panama for a few years. It was a nice slow meal.

Now I am back in my room eager to just express my thoughts as I wait to leave again. I like how I feel on days like this. I feel relaxed and at peace. My mind is active though and I like pondering things. When I feel this way I want to read things and write things and think about things. I wish I felt this way more often at home, and have tried to think of ways that I can do that but I am not quite sure I know what it is that puts me into this mood. I think part of it has to to with the simplicity of life here. There really isn’t much to worry about here like there is at home. Life is difficult here but simple. I think that frees me up to just think and ponder larger issues than day to day necessities. I don’t watch as much TV although I do watch some. I hope that when I do go home I can figure out a way to find some time to just sit in a quiet room or go outside to a public place and just sit there and let the worries of life fall off my mind for a little while.

As I was thinking today I thought of a few good ideas. I think that I am going to start a journal of my thoughts on different issues. I have a lot of different ideas and opinions on many different issues and have been looking for a way to express them in more concrete terms but up until know have not found a way to do so in a way that is comfortable to me. I have tried and failed many times. This time, instead of trying to write letters to people or articles to newspapers I am just going to put a subject in a heading on a sheet of paper and write about it. As time goes on I can write more about it or change what I have written as my ideas evolve. I thought about getting paper journals to write them on. The tangibility of paper and pen have something romantic and appealing about them. But I decided that I would write them on this computer like I am writing this journal. As I become better at typing I can write my thoughts almost as fast as I think them. Writing can be romantic, but cumbersome. Not to mention that I am a terrible speller and the spell checker on the computer will make me look better.

I like the digital age where you can fit so much information and do so much with one small tool that fits in a knapsack.

I also had a fleeting thought about how being here has been good for me in the fact that it has gotten me away from all of the day to day cares that distract me and let my mind be free to contemplate higher things. It isn’t just in an intellectual sense either. I feel like this has been a spiritual test too. When this all started I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it. I am the only member of the church here and I am far away from anyone looking over my shoulder making sure I do the right things. I knew that I could either become more like the people here in order to fit in better and make the time more enjoyable or I could stand up and be different but keep my values in tact. I didn’t know what I would do or how I would react. I was nervous because I knew my own weaknesses and feared that in this environment I would succumb easily to them. I struggled at the beginning with these questions and these weaknesses wavering back and forth over this line. Then I was faced with the question of reenlistment. That story has already been recorded. I chose to follow the Lord on that occasion. Then came the decision to have another baby. Once again I decided to follow the Lord and what I knew I was supposed to do. I feel that I have made my choice. I have put my life in the Lord’s hands and have made that commitment to do these things even though they are difficult and given my own choice I would have avoided them. I feel the spirit with me now. I feel the peace of knowing that I am with the Lord and that he is on my side. I don’t worry anymore about fitting in or whether or not my weaknesses will get the best of me. I still have them, but I know that when it comes down to it I will follow the Lord.

I think that this has helped me free my mind as well. I feel like I did near the end of my mission when I was working hard and had no regrets. My mind was opened then too and I perceived and conceived of things that I never had before. I have looked for that feeling ever since and hadn’t found it until now. Mission life is simple too. Hard but simple. Lots of time to sit and think about the important things of life. But time alone isn’t all. The spirit, when you are worthy of it, will quicken the mind and lift the spirit and help you fulfill your full potential. I just hope I can bring this home with me this time.

I really was meant to come here and do this.  I thank the Lord for his hand in my life.

Some More Pics for Fun

This is a transient camp where we stay when we are on the road.  Military GP mediums! With air conditioning.

Inside the tents aren't so bad.

For all of you that want to see the tools of my trade.  Notice the warning label on the top...even in the military...

Work Out

We are just relaxing after a long mission and it has been nice.  The only thing that I had to do today was exercise.  We had a PT test last week and I guess less than 40% of the company passed it (I passed) so we have a mandatory program that started this week.  We went to the gym tonight to do some muscle strength training.  It was a good work out!  I usually run, but it was nice to lift some weight with someone who knew what they were doing.  Now I'm just tired!  Oh, and I had an anthrax vaccination earlier in the day which makes it feel like someone punched me in the shoulder.  I've had a fun day.

Some More Pics

Added 12 May 2009:

Compare the photo above to my favorite photo from the surface of Mars...

Pretty cool huh? The sun is smaller on Mars because it is so much farther from it.

Cool Lights in a Dust Storm

Finally Some Time to Rest

Well, Happy Mothers' Day to all you mothers.  I finally have some time to just sit and think and write a little bit.  I also have taken a few pictures that I hope to be able to upload and show with everyone.  I have had a few long days in the last couple of weeks and am glad to be back with nothing really to do for the next few days.  The trip that we just made, three times, is the longest that we have had to do so far.  It took us 250 miles south of here out into the desert.  At 35 mph that takes a long time.  Not to mention that the military transport trucks that we are escorting have been in Iraq for a long time and break down a lot.  It makes for a long trip.  There were many days that I went more than 24 hours without any sleep only to have six hours of downtime before rolling out again!  For all that though, I had a good time.  I like the simplicity of that life: just driving and eating and sleeping.  Never knowing when you would get to eat your next hot meal or get a few hours to sleep.  Never knowing where you were going to have to stop and how long it would be.  There is no planning for the future and no expectations.  You just let circumstances cary you along.  In a way it is relaxing.  Just to let go and go along for the ride.  

I was able to have a lot of time to think and be with my own thoughts.  I also got to know my crew a little better.  I started reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu.  I don't know much at all about Chinese history, but this book, including the lengthy introduction and historical background written by the translator, have awoken a fascination with classical Chinese history that has surprised me.  I even started to make notes and to practice writing the Chinese characters that represent the main points in the book.  I did all this reading in the driver's seat waiting for our start times or waiting for weather conditions to allow us to drive!  There is always something good to be taken out of almost any situation.

I got to see a lot of the countryside.  It is different than what most people probably think.  Between the rivers, the Tigris and the Euphrates, it is a lush oasis.  There are fields of crops and trees everywhere and lots of water.  It can be quite beautiful.  The farther away from the rivers that you get the more desert like it is until you get into the deep desert that is just sand and dust.  Even in the desert though there are people.  There are the beduins in their tents with their herds of camels and goats.  There are castle like fortresses built and manned by the Iraqi army as outposts and in the wilderness.  They are base stations for the many patrols and checkpoints that exists even way out there.  And finally there are the oil exploration companies with their fleets of white seismic monitoring trucks.  

Out in the desert the dust can blow like a blizzard.  At one point in one of our trips the visibility was about a tenth of a mile!  The dust is like talcum powder or baby powder and covers everything.  After a while you get an upset stomach because you end up eating so much of it.  

It's so amazing to be in such a different place from what I am used to.  

Well, as I sit here and think I will probably think of more to say.  Until then enjoy this little bit. 

Oh, and thank you Sister Crawford and all the primary for your wonderful package.  The pictures and flags that you made are already hanging up in the lobby or our headquarters building.  Everyone appreciates your support.  I especially liked the video you made!  Thank you so much.

Ziggurat of Ur

For those of you who keep asking and are curious here is a picture of what I saw.  This is the temple at Ur.

Southern Iraq

I don't want to say too much because we are not done with our mission
yet, but for the first time since we have been here I got a chance to
go to southern Iraq. It was quite a trip. We did most of the travel
south of Baghdad during the daytime and I got to see the countryside.
It is a lot different than what I think most people imagine. There
were the occasional stretches of desert that were beautiful and
strange in their own way, but most of the scenery consisted of marshes
and lush farmland. The area between the rivers here is very fertile
and wet. We got to see lots of camels and goats. We got to see lots
of oil exploration equipment too. The base where we stayed was around
the archeological site of the ancient city of Ur. This is supposed to
be the same city where Abraham was born and were he was supposed to be
sacrificed to idol gods. In the middle of the site there is one of
the most preserved examples in the world of an ancient ziggurat. It
is quite likely the site of Abraham's attempted sacrifice. It was
amazing to be able to see it. I think I am the only one in the group
that knew what it's significance was though. It's a shame that this
part of the world is so inhospitable and violent. There is a lot of
special stuff to see over here.

It was a long trip, and one that I will have to make more often. For
now I am just glad to have a couple of days to rest before I have to
do anything like it again.

Back at Home??

I finally made it back to my little old room in Iraq.  It was a terribly long trip to get back here.  We were held up for a couple of days in Kuwait waiting for available space on a flight back to Baghdad and then in once there had to wait another day for available space on a helicopter back to Taji.  The trip going home was long too, but then it seemed worth it because you were going home.  Coming back just didn't seem like it was worth all the trouble.  The helicopter ride was fun though.  I think the pilot was showing off though as he did some interesting acrobatics.  When we got on the ground I told the guy next to me that things like that are the reason riding roller coasters at Six Flags just don't do anything for me anymore.  Real life thrills are much better!

We are getting ready for our first mission since returning.  That means getting our weapons back and getting ammo; checking the truck out and catching up on all the things that we missed. It's amazing how fast it has taken for all this to seem normal again.  I'm right back into the swing of things.  At least this time it is the last time I will have to make this trip.  It's all downhill from now on.

Some Thoughts now that I Have Time to Sit and Ponder

It is hard to know how you have changed until you come home and are put back into your old life. I think there have been changes at home too, but not as big as I feared might be. I have changed a lot more more than I thought that I had. Mostly in my attitude and self confidence.

I thought today about how more open I am to doing any job. I have always thought that I would make a good teacher and would enjoy the job, but I have alway been hesitant in “being a teacher”. I guess if I was honest I thought that being a teacher would be a wast of my potential. I don’t feel like that at all anymore. Before now I have always wondered if I would be able to really accomplish something in my life. A lot of potential career options have always been open to me but I thing that I was not open to them because I didn’t see them as a way to lead to personal accomplishment. I realize not that I don’t worry about that anymore. I really feel that what I am doing now is a personal accomplishment worthy of a lifetime. I have made the decision to stay in the military and become an officer which means possibly more deployments in the future. I never anticipated that these decisions and my service in Iraq would bring me such a sense of accomplishment. I don’t care if all I ever do from this point out it just teach, or just fix cars or just drive trucks or just....anything. I am not worried about success anymore because I feel that I have already proven myself; to myself as well as others. I think that I can now just go to work doing anything and just do a good job an be happy with myself. I don’t think I realized how much I doubted myself and how serving in Iraq would give me confidence.

Not only am I more confident but I have learned some other lessons that have helped me feel more like an adult. Julie and I have talked a lot about what makes a person an adult and what concepts a person must understand before they can be considered a mature adult. I think that just as we measure the physical and cognitive progress of children as they grow up we can measure the cognitive progress of young adults to see how they are developing into adults. Just as there are milestones in the growth of young children, there are milestones in the maturation of youth into competent adults.

One of the first that we have discussed is something that happened to me on my mission and something that happens to Julie around the time we had children. That is the realization that my parents were just ordinary people just doing the best that they could to raise us. I could see them for imperfect people that they are and yet not be angry about it but draw closer to them because of it. I felt that I truly understood my parents. With the arrival of children and the added responsibilities of raising a family those feelings have only been reaffirmed. I think that this is one of the first milestones of adulthood: true independence from your parents.

I reached another milestone while I was in Iraq. Like the first one, this one seemed to come as a light bulb turning on in my head. While I was pondering wether or not to re-enlist I had the realization that sometimes in life we need to do difficult things. My whole life I have tried to find the path that would lead to the most comfortable life. I misunderstood the old adage that you should do for a job something that you would do for free and then you would never really work in your life. I have been searching in vein for that career that would just be roses and cake every day and bring me true joy. The problem is that I have avoided doing anything unpleasant. The fear of doing anything unpleasant has kept me from doing anything important. I realized that I was wrong to try and avoid difficult and unpleasant things. This life is not supposed to be easy. I knew that I needed difficult things in my life to give it purpose and to keep me always growing and improving myself. Since I have realized these things, really realized them and internalized them, I have found a comfort and a joy in my life that I would never have thought could exist in such difficult circumstances. I really have come to like my job in Iraq and feel that I can do anything and not let my job get me down. I feel that this realization of the reality of life and the importance of embracing the difficult things of life is another huge milestone in my maturation. I have often thought that I don’t feel like an adult. I think that with this I have taken a step closer to feeling like a true man. I hope that it isn’t fleeting. I hope that once I get home and get back into the routine of ordinary life that I don’t forget this lesson. But the way that I am actually looking forward in a way to my return to Iraq and the way I have positive feelings about the work that I am doing there I have confidence that it is a real change in my attitude that will have staying power even after I come home. That is good for my family and good for me.

Camp Taji From a Blackhawk

Mid-way Report

Well this is the halfway point of my leave.  I am settling right in.  I ran around like crazy the first couple of days getting all the "must do" items out of the way, like eating mexican food and going shopping, and now I am just sitting around watching missed "Lost" episodes and playing video games.  Life is sweet!  I bought Julie a new computer for her birthday, so that she can keep in touch with me better, and then had to go to Ikea to buy a desk to put it on.  Poor me :).  I've been to Fort Worth and Dallas and Southlake.  I even made it to the temple last night with Julie.  Tonight we are sending the boys away and grilling expensive steak and steaming expensive shrimp and going to just have the whole night together.  On Monday, I am going to opening day at the ballpark.  It will be the first time I have ever been to opening day.  I am really looking forward to it.  In too short a time I will have to go back, but I don't like thinking about that!  For now I am just enjoying my vacation.

Then We Got to Ride in a C-130

Not as cool as a helicopter.  A cramped C-130 that was hot and smelled of fuel.  It did get us to Kuwait, one step closer to home!

Helicopter Ride

One of the coolest things that I have gotten to do is ride in a Black Hawk helicopter to get to Baghdad on the first leg of my trip home.

LEAVE!

I am finally home sitting in the chair that I built, eating food that I made and sleeping in my own bed!  It was quite an adventure just getting here, but I made it and now I am enjoying the time off.  We bought a new computer yesterday for Julie's birthday (I know it is about a month late) and spent the day together.  I ate some really good pizza that made me depressed that I have to go back and eat army food again.  I am also being spoiled by an internet connection that instantly displays webpages and actually lets me stream videos!  I don't know what I am going to do when I go back and have to deal with the slower than dial-up speeds there.  I am going to try to take advantage of this though and add some pictures and videos to my blog that I haven't been able to do before.  

It is nice being home and seeing my family again.  Boys grow fast and they changed a lot in the 5 months since I saw them last.  It hasn't been too hard to get used to being here though.  My only previous experience in this regard was my mission and two years away is a lot longer than 5 months.  There are changes, but not as many.  It hasn't been quite the shock that I was anticipating.  The shock will come when I get home in the fall and have to go back to work!  

It hasn't been all good though.  I blew the engine in my mustang as I was driving down the freeway last night.  I think the head gasket blew.  I am not too worried because the is plenty of time to get it fixed before I come home for good, but I had decided that I wasn't going to be able to get a new engine when I got home and now I am going to have to reconsider that.  It might be a good thing in the long run.  

Well, I have another day full of fun things planned today so I better get going.  I might not say much the rest of the time I am home, so don't be disappointed if I don't post anything else for a couple of weeks.  I think you can understand!

Done with Another Long Mission

I am done with the downtown Baghdad mission, but it was a long one.  On our second trip down there they closed down the return route and redirected us to the base at Baghdad International Airport.  We were a little upset, but really didn't have a choice.  Most of us were not prepared to stay the night because we were driving borrowed trucks and hadn't taken the time to load them with all our extra gear.  We got stuck there for three days because the weather went bad on us!  I had to buy shaving gear, a blanket and some extra socks!  I also forgot to bring my phone card so I had to buy one of those so I could call Julie and let here know why I wasn't getting a hold of her.  We got to sleep on nice comfy cots (I'm being sarcastic if you couldn't tell) and wait in our trucks all night waiting to see if the weather would clear enough to roll.  We finally had to get special permission to come home.  We missed a trip back to downtown and I think they didn't want to delay the mission any more.  We were all happy to get back home to sleep in our beds with sheets and pillows.  Well, they extended the mission to make up for the lost trip so we didn't finish until just a couple of days ago.  We were supposed to go out again last night, but they canceled the final trip.  We just had to clean our trucks out and get them and our weapons ready to turn in.  Now we are just sitting here waiting to go on leave.  It's nice to have a few extra days off.  It doesn't help my anxiety at going home though because all I have to do is sit around thinking about it... nothing to keep me busy or distracted.  I can't wait to go home!

Some More Pictures

Me killing time while our cargo flips.  Thanks for the magazine subscriptions for Christmas!!

This is the view of the other side of the truck and my Truck Commander.  

Me, Little Watkins our driver, and CPL Martin our TC in front of the famous "Crossed Swords" and military parade ground in Downtown Baghdad.

Downtown Baghdad

After a really long day I was finally able to get some sleep and feel rested enough to do some catch up on my online chores.  I am really excited though because yesterday I got to go to the International Zone, formerly the Green Zone, in downtown Baghdad.  It was a cool trip for us first timers and we felt more like tourists than soldiers on a combat patrol.  We got to see all the buildings and monuments that everyone sees on the news when they talk about Iraq.  I recognized a few buildings from when they showed live on cable news the aerial bombardment that started this war.  And for my Julie and the boys, who will know what I am talking about, I got to drive on what used to be called the most dangerous road in the world: the freeway between the Baghdad International Airport and downtown. It isn't dangerous like it used to be and is actually one of the nicest roads we have driven on.  It even has lanes painted on it!  I wish I could have gotten some better pictures but it was dark after all.  That is one of the drawbacks of working at night.  After getting back really late from our mission, we had to stay awake until about the equivalent of 4 am to go to some briefings that we have to hear before coming home on leave.  A long mission and then no sleep!  I should get to catch up tonight though!

Back to Baghdad

I just got back from another trip to Baghdad.  I hadn't been down there in a long time, more than a month, and I was surprised at how much had changed.  I think I mentioned before about some road construction on the route down there.  Well, now there are stripes painted on the road and reflectors and everything.  Those are the first strips I have seen on any road in Iraq!  There is construction everywhere and new lights and buildings.  It looks like the pace of reconstruction is really picking up.  I will go home on leave at the end of the month and be gone for three weeks.  I'm sure a lot more will change by the time I get back from that.  I think that I will only have to go out a couple more times before I get my break.  I will have a lot of time to kill if that is the case because it is still three weeks away.  

Facebook

As some of you probably already know, I finally opened up a Facebook account.  I did it mainly so that I could send text messages to Julie's phone for free and to direct people to come to this blog to find out what is going on with me.  I am not very social and not that interested in "social networking" so don't be too offended if I don't return all of your messages to me.  

For pictures and descriptions of what I am doing come here!  

Listening to the Still Small Voice

It is fast Sunday today, and although I don't usually fast out here, I am prompted to think back over the past month and remember all of the things that the Lord has done for me.  This month has been special.  I have felt the hand of the Lord and have heard His voice like at almost no other time in my life.  This story starts out before I left to come here.  As I pondered the reality of my leaving home and coming out here one thing kept entering my mind.  I felt that this was where I was supposed to be.  I had opportunities to get out of it.  The army wanted me to go to Officer Candidate School (OCS) and become an officer.  That would have gotten me out of at least this deployment.  I could have transfered or made a bigger deal about some medical issues.  Julie and I felt very strongly that I shouldn't go to OCS or try to get out of it.  As I received priesthood blessings from my father and gave them to my family I felt it even stronger that this is where the Lord wanted me.  More than that I felt that there was a reason for me to be here.  I knew that coming here would somehow prepare me for things yet to come and that I could not fulfill the Lord's purposes for me unless I made this trip.  

I felt it strongly and it gave me and Julie comfort and strength to undertake such a difficult thing.  I have been away from home now for six months.  I continued through all my difficult times by holding on to the faith in my feelings that I was doing the Lord's will.  At times all I wanted to do was finish this and go home to my family to never leave again.  I thought that I could learn what I needed to and be done with the army for good.  My current contract with the army is set to expire at about the same time that I am scheduled to return home.  I have wanted so badly to just walk off that plane, take off my uniform and never put it on again.  The Lord, as it turns out, has other plans for me.  

On February 1st I went to church for really the first time since I arrived.  It was fast Sunday and I bore my testimony.  It felt like I was in the temple.  I will never forget the spirit that I felt at that meeting.  There are only a handful of members on this base and the sacrament that day consisted of chocolate muffins and water because that is all that was available (I have had bread, cake, and Catholic communion wafers for the sacrament since I have been here).  I haven't missed a church meeting since that day, even when in the middle of a mission.  A couple of weeks ago, as I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, a thought entered into my head.  I thought that the army wouldn't be so bad if I was doing something different or if I was an officer.  The thought pierced me deeply and I couldn't stop reflecting over it.  Eventually I dismissed the thought as impossible.  There was no way that I was going to stay in the army after this deployment.  

A week went by, and I found myself in Sacrament meeting again.  We watched a recording of a CES fireside as our "Sacrament talk".  The words of the speaker brought the thought again to my mind.  I felt as though the Lord was speaking directly to me this time.  I needed to stay in the army and become an officer.  I couldn't ignore what the spirit was telling me, but after the meeting I again convinced myself that there was no way I was going to do anything like that.  There are some benefits to re-enlistment and becoming an officer though.  There are large re-enlistment bonuses that can total tens of thousands of dollars not to mention the extra money an officer makes if I were to be deployed again.  I would also get my own room as an officer and not have to deal with what I am dealing with now.  I thought that the least I could do was talk it over with Julie when I came home on leave next month.  

In my mind I was satisfied with my plan.  Procrastination is always an easy justification.  I found out over the next couple of days, however, that after the 28th of February the army would be drastically cutting back it's bonuses for re-enlistment.  Apparently with the downturn in the economy it is easier to recruit people.  If I was going to make a decision it had to be within a few days.  I was tortured by the prospect of making this decision.  I wanted to wait to talk to Julie in person.  As I sat in the back of my truck one night, as I do before each mission, I prayed to have help in making this decision.  The feeling was immediate and unmistakable.  I knew that the the Lord wanted me to stay in the army.  I fell to my knees and pleaded with Him.  I broke down into tears.  I couldn't do what he was asking me to do.  Doing so would mean much more time away from my family and more difficulty and misery for me.  OCS is as difficult as basic training and officer basic courses can be up to a year long, not to mention future deployments and years of commitment to the army.  No bonus is worth that.  I could not shake the feeling however that this was why I was here.  I decided to talk to Julie about it that night.  I went on my mission, came back and tried to forget about it.  I didn't talk to Julie about it and I convinced myself that I just couldn't do it.  Maybe it was a test to show me what I really wanted, I thought, and what I really wanted was to go home.  I cannot say this any stronger.  I did not want this!  If I could just put the decision off the bonuses would go away and there would be no reason to do it.   

The next night I found myself back in my truck, trying to not think about it.  I couldn't.  The story of Jonah came to my mind.  Jonah was asked to do something he really didn't want to do but he couldn't escape the Lord's plan for him.  He tried to escape but his life became miserable and in the end he obeyed anyway.  I realized that the deadline for the bonuses could come and go but the requirements of the Lord would not.  All I would be doing was loosing out on the reward and end up making the same decision.  I couldn't escape by waiting.  I also realized that some things in life are supposed to be hard, and that although the Lord wants us to be happy, He often requires us to do unpleasant and difficult things.  I thought of Joseph Smith and all the early saints.  I thought of my favorite Book of Mormon heros.  I would not be the first, nor last man, that would be required to leave his family in the fulfillment of His service.  As bad as I did not want this, I could not ignore what I was feeling.  I did not then and do not now doubt that the Lord was speaking to me.  I felt stronger than I have felt anything before that this was the Lord's will and that if I did not obey I would be willfully turning my back on Him.  

I felt calm and at focused.  I decided not to fight it, but to simply obey.  I KNEW that this was why I am here.  I knew that now I was ready.  I knew that the Lord had spoken to me and that this was His desire for me.  I knew that my happiness depended upon my obedience and that my failure to obey would only bring misery to me and my family.  I knew that Julie would feel the same way because it was right.  My fear left me.  I got back from my mission and asked Julie, by instant messenger, what she thought of me staying in the army and becoming an officer.  I was not surprised at all when she immediately agreed and said she felt good about it, even if it meant more time away from me.  I talked to the guy in charge of re-enlistment and he said that I was eligible for $32,000 worth of bonuses including cash and student loan repayment.  I told him to proceed with the paperwork.  I talked to my captain and he said he would be honored to recommend me for OCS and even a direct commission if he could. He is really excited.  I haven't signed any paper, but the request for the bonus has been made and the process has gotten started.  The re-enlistment guy came up to me today and said that as he was entering my request into the computer that it told him that I was actually eligible for $50,000 worth of student loan repayment making the total bonus $65,000!  I have found a new purpose and motivation in my work.  I am not afraid to go home and face the financial challenges that await me there now.  Julie and I want to have more children, and now we have found a way.  All this is great, but I don't think these blessings are the only reason the Lord wanted me to do this.  These are just the benefits of obedience.  I don't know what is in store for me.  I feel that this too is just another step in my journey, but I have faith that if I listen to the Spirit and obey they Lord when he speaks that I will be watched over and blessed and that I will end up where He wants me to be, when He wants me to be and that I will be prepared for whatever it is I will find there.  The Lord has always known that I was born to be a warrior.  

Lights in a Sand Storm

This is what lights look like in a sand storm.  This is the night we had so many adventures.

For the first couple of days of our mission, including the one when we had contact with the enemy, I had to drive this instead of my normal truck.  

Fire Fight

Here is what it looked like from my perspective!

Some Excitement

I just finished another long mission and have some time to write about it.  I have so much to write I will probably split it up into two posts.  I'm telling you just in case you are confused.  This was another mission just like the last one, we went to the same place and did the same thing.  Usually it is a boring mission.  The drive is a couple of hours and then we have to wait for up to six hours for the trucks we are escorting to flip their cargo so we can come home.  This time we got smart and my driver brought his portable DVD player and we watched a lot of movies in the back of our truck while we waited.  The DVD's helped, but they weren't the only thing that made this mission a little more exciting. 

I guess as the weather warms up the enemy is becoming a little more active, especially along the rout that we usually travel on.  Last night, in fact, we had to take an alternate route because a fuel tanker was blown up on or normal route while we were waiting for our cargo to flip.  That means that we passed the bomb on the way in!  A few days before that we were involved in a couple of interesting situations.  It turned out to be a long night.  First, not long after leaving the base on our way home, we came upon a telephone pole that had fallen in the road blocking our path.  Upon further investigation it became obvious that the pole had been felled by a very big bomb a few minutes before our arrival.  It left a crater four feet deep and blew a section of the road apart.  I am in the second truck in the convoy so although I was not right next to it, I had a front row seat.  We still don't know what happened, but our guess is that either they blew the bomb on purpose to block the road in anticipation of an ambush (which never happened although we kept a sharp eye out for it) or that it went off early and that their target was the next convoy to pass (which was us).  Either way, it got our attention!  After about an hour we made a path around the debris and continued on.  

A few miles later, and as the sun was just coming up, we heard a large BOOOM!  An Iraqi police officer signaled us to stop and explained to the truck in front of us that a bomb had just gone off a little farther down the road.  We decided to continue on because we really needed to get the convoy home before it got too late. It wasn't long before we came upon the scene of the explosion.  A few infantry soldiers in armored personnel vehicles had just arrived on the scene and were taking care of a civilian whose truck had been blown up.  Our lead truck went forward to assist while we stayed about 200 meters behind to provide security for the semi trucks behind us.  As they approached the infantry soldiers the guys who set off the bomb started shooting from a nearby building.  We could hear the shots and our lead vehicle could see the muzzle flashes.  They couldn't return fire because the infantry had moved into their line of fire, but they were still in the line of fire of the enemy.  After a short firefight between the infantry and the enemy, the enemy ran off.  I got to watch the whole thing!  I wasn't scared (I am in a bullet proof truck) just interested in finding my camera so that I could take some pictures!  We had to wait for a helicopter to land and retrieve the injured civilian and then for a tow truck to recover a stuck army vehicle that had gotten stuck in the mud during the action.  At about 8:00 am with the sun hight in the sky, we finally were able to proceed.  It was quite a night!  Once again, we think that the bomb went off prematurely, either by an innocent bystander (the civilian) or by the guy setting the bomb up (again the civilian).  The next convoy by was probably the target.  Either way, again, it was a close call.  Someone was looking out for us that two bombs went off just before we got to them, and not as we got to them.  That's the way it is out here.  

Well, now the mission is over and I have a day or two to relax before we go out again.  Our platoon is building a reputation for running into trouble.  We are the only ones who have seen anything since we've been here!  

Internet in Iraq

Well, this is the first time that I have been able to log on to blogger to post anything in a long time.  The internet here is expensive and inconsistent at best.  For the past two weeks I have not been able to view most web pages and have barely been able to email.  For those of you who like to send me emails with lots of pictures, it makes things difficult and you might reconsider next time!  All that for $60 a month!  You think they would give us a break, but I guess it's hard to get the internet way out here.  A lot has happened and it is hard to do it all justice.  I am safe and doing ok.  I have started to settle in to the realities of life here and my mood has gotten better.  I have been able to go to church for the past three Sundays in a row and they even gave me a calling to be in charge of the music (when I am there of course).  I put my church contacts to good use already.  The base optometrist is our group leader.  He was just called a couple of weeks ago.  He is my age and is a nice guy.  I stepped on my glasses last week at the end of a mission, and had to see him about getting new ones.  I showed up after hours, but since he knew me he saw me anyway and got me my glasses the next day.  They have a lab right here (in Georgia I had to wait two weeks!).  It is good to know people sometimes!  Well, I am in the middle of another mission, so I need to get some rest, but if the network connection stays good I will try to fill in for all the lost time in the next couple of days.

Can't Sleep

I am in the middle of a long mission and am starting to feel it's affects.  I have had a hard time sleeping at night after each days trip.  I am not sure why.  It started the first day that I went out.  I don't seem to be able to sleep more than four or five hours each night.  I just wake up and stare at the ceiling until I realize I am not going to go back to sleep and then I get up.  I have been able to get things done with my extra time, but it makes it so that I am tired during the mission and even can't help from dozing off to sleep while waiting for the trucks we are escorting to unload their cargo and load up for the return trip.  It is a little frustrating!  The longer I am here the more the stress has built up.  It is easy at the beginning to tell yourself that you can be tough for a little while and then it will be over, but a year is a long time and it takes a lot of energy to keep yourself motivated.  I am starting to have a tougher time doing it.  The ironic thing is that the relative safety of the situation over here is contributing to the unpleasantness of it all.  When there was actually a war over here the army treated its soldiers like they were at war.  Common sense usually prevailed over bureaucracy out of necessity and the mission was given priority over policy.  Well, with nothing much happening outside things have started to revert back to a peacetime army.  I read something interesting in a porta-potty last night that summed it up brilliantly (oh the profound insights to be had by reading porta-potty graffiti); "I came to war but garrison broke out".  The problem is that it is still dangerous out there and soldiers are still dying on a weekly basis.  We still have the stress of combat, now mixed with the stress of a training environment (for those who don't know, stress is the foundation of army training.  The idea is that if you can handle the stress of training you can handle the stress of combat).  Most of us prefer being out on the road because it is often LESS stressful than being back on post with all the stupid rules and stupid meetings and red tape and bureaucratic mess.  For example, during the elections here we were not allowed to conduct our normal operations.  We had three days of down time and instead of letting us have our down time and relax and unwind a bit, they planned two days of training.  They made us wake up in the middle of the day (when we are normally asleep) and "pretend" to go on a convoy through the streets of the base and had us run training scenarios.  It seemed to us that we had to wake up because the leaders who were running the training are awake during the day and didn't want to loose their sleep.  We were graded by people who rarely leave the safety of the base on things we do for real every day.  You can see how resentment and unhappiness could build up.  I read that suicides were up 300% in January over last January.  We even had a girl in my platoon intentionally hurt herself two days ago and is now in a hospital in Germany.  If you ask my opinion, this is why.  It is maddening at times.  I don't know if that is why I can't sleep, but I'm sure it doesn't help.  I don't mean to always sound so negative, but this has not been an easy experience for me and it helps to be able to write it down.  When the mission is over I will write about what an adventure it has been.  Possibly another reason why I can't sleep.  Maybe I'm just getting old.  I hear that old people don't sleep as much as young people.  I know I will have grey hair after this.  I can already start to see it.

Cpt Moroni

Before every mission I sit in the back of my truck and prepare myself to go outside the gate into.  In addition to other things I put my body armor on, my helmet, gloves and headphones.  I am always reminded of how it must have been anciently when soldiers donned their armor before going into battle.  It's at this time that I usually read something out of the scriptures and offer a prayer to ask for protection and success.  I have discovered many scriptures that all of a sudden mean a lot more to me now than before, especially  in the Book of Mormon.  The people of Nephi fought many wars and the reason they fought is clearly expressed in the scriptures.  When Captain Moroni and his Nephite army fought Zarahemna and his army of Lamanites we read, in the clarity and beauty which the Book of Mormon gives us, why the Nephites fought so hard even in the face of overwhelming opposition; 

"...the Nephites were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church.  And they were doing that which they felt was the duty which they owed to their God; for the Lord had said unto them, and also unto their father, that: Inasmuch as ye are not guilty of the first offense, neither the second, ye shall not suffer yourselves to be slain by the hands of your enemies.  And again, the Lord has said that: Ye shall defend your families even unto bloodshed.  Therefore for this cause were the Nephites contending with the Laminites, to defend themselves, and their families, and their lands, their country, and their rights, and their religion."

Alma 43:45-47

We Broke Another Truck!

Well, last night was exciting.  We had a short mission, but it was a full one.  We guarded some more construction work including some work on a police station right in the middle of Sadr City.  It was the first time that we got off the major roads and went deep into the neighborhoods.  We were guided by the infantry guys who work there everyday.  There were lots of bombed out buildings and places to hide bombs everywhere.  We got the job done and then things got a little exciting.  Just as we were leaving we ran over a kind of manhole that was at least 15 feet deep that was covered up by a piece of metal.  We didn't see it because the metal was covered up by dirt.  We were also driving without our headlights on for security reasons.  The two trucks in front of us passed over it without anything happening but we were not as lucky.  The piece of metal, which turned out to be a smashed up CAR got caught in our front tire and sucked under our truck.  We noticed the sound immediately even though we couldn't feel anything.  It took my truck commander (TC) 4 Iraqi crane operators and about 4 KBR workers to pry the car out from under the truck.  After about 20 minutes they got it free and I got to see it for the first time from my gun turret.  It WAS a car, or at least part of it,  just like my TC had told us.  It damaged our front brakes, completely ripping open the front brake chamber on one of the wheels, and dented up some of the protective plates on the bottom of the truck.  We made it home without brakes in one wheel.  It was quite a trip! 

Other than that we are safe.  Our truck has already been fixed and is ready to go out again with just some dents and scratches in the bottom.  If we are lucky, we won't break it any more!

TV on iTunes

I have discovered that TV programs on iTunes.  I guess I always knew they were there, but at home it didn't make sense to buy them.  I just remembered the other day that you could do it and here it makes a little more sense.  All of the network websites that let you watch the latest episode for free don't work over here.  They can tell that I am not in America from the server that I am going out of and apparently those programs are only authorized to be watched in the US.  That means I have to pay $2 per episode.  There are only a couple of shows that I like well enough to pay that much, but it is nice that it is available.  This certainly ain't our daddy's war!

What that means is that for the last couple of days I have been downloading episodes of my favorite programs that I have missed over the months.  Each episode take 8 to 10 hours to download and uses up just about all my bandwidth.  That's why I haven't posted anything lately.  Blogger doesn't like slow connections and won't let me log on when I am downloading.  I took a break tonight so I could write something.  

I have been on another mission.  This one only lasted one day.  That was nice.  It was to escort cranes and trucks that were removing a section of barrier that had been damaged the week prior in an attack on an American convoy.  No one was hurt, thank goodness.  It was another mission to the dangerous part of town.  Everyone was on edge.  The week before we had infantry support who cleared out area and provided overwatch of our position while the workers worked.  This time it was just us.  One of our trucks reported receiving gunfire, but we are not sure if they were just a little jumpy.  Everyone came home safely.  The truck that was supposedly hit is not from our unit, but was there to help the crane operators know what to do so we couldn't check afterwards to see if there were in fact bullet holes in the truck.  

For a while I had to direct traffic around the construction site from my turret with my spotlight and some chem-lights.  There was an Iraqi police officer that reluctantly tried to help.  After helping with a couple of cars that didn't seem to get the message at first, I threw him a honey bun from the turret.  He seemed happy, and was a little less reluctant to help after that!  It's all about making friends. 

We have had some time off and will have some more after our next mission.  It's nice having a couple of days between short missions.  I don't like it when it is a week off then a week on.  Time is passing quickly now though and I am already starting to think about coming home on my leave in about 6 weeks.  I am a little nervous about coming back when it is done though!

TIRED

After quickly writing my last post they told us that we would not have to go out again on that mission.  The mission is not over, but someone else will be finishing it.  We needed a break.  It was a barrier mission to Sadr City.  12 to 13 hour days in the most dangerous part of town.  Not only were the hours long, but the stress was high.  I just woke up after sleeping 10 hours!  I was exhausted.  We have a couple of days to recover before we have to go out again.  Up to this point I know that we have not had to do such a difficult, or dangerous, mission.  I think it is because our platoon does a good job and the higher ups are starting to trust us with more and more.  Thankfully nothing happened and we all got home safe (at least no one was injured in combat; one soldier tripped in his gun hatch and fell into the truck twisting his ankle really badly). There was action all around us though.  After the first night they found an IED that had been placed about a block away from us WHILE we were in the area.  A couple of soldiers were killed within a couple of blocks of our operation area the second night and last night we heard several large explosions nearby, but don't know what they were from.  That part of town is a little crazy these days with local elections set to take place in a week.  It might get better after they are over.  Probably not though.  It is the rough part of town.  It was the rough part of town before we got there, like south Dallas or southwest Fort Worth.  

On the bright side, in the short time that I have been here I have already seen lots of signs of progress.  The main highway that we travel on between here and Baghdad is in the middle of being resurfaced.  The northbound lanes have were recently finished for several miles and work has begun on the southbound.  We like coming home because the last 10 miles are smooth on fresh pavement without potholes or blast craters.  The Iraqis are doing the work, and they work during the day.  Every night we go out there is more fresh pavement waiting for us.  There is a bridge near our camp, on that same highway, that was bombed during the invasion.  Only the northbound side is open with a huge hole in the southbound side.  They have been working on that since I got here, and are almost finished cleaning the broken span up so that a new one can be built.  Everyday new material is delivered to the site in preparation for the construction.  I can see lots of bombed out buildings, but I can also see lots of new buildings and buildings under construction.  More noticeably since January 1st, I can see a lot more Iraqi activity, especially traffic.  They are leading more convoys and taking control of these clean up operations.  Lots of trash has been picked up.  It is a good feeling knowing that I am helping this country improve itself.  It will take lots of time and lots of money but the momentum is building.  

Now for a day of rest and relaxation!  I can get back to work tomorrow.

Mission that won't end

In the middle of a mission that keeps getting extended.

Will write when I have a day off!

Boredom

Well, we got our new truck ready in time.  It meant missed sleep and a missed opportunity for me to go to church, but it got finished.  We went on out mission, but it was only a one day mission so I haven't done anything since.  One thing to note was that we were the lead truck this time for some reason.  It went ok, but I don't like it as much as being number two.  Now we have just been sitting around waiting for our next mission which isn't for a couple more days.  The newness of this place is wearing off and I am really bored.  It's easy to get home sick and depressed when all you do is sit around.  There is not much to do, and it is cold outside so no one wants to go anywhere.  It's hard to relax though because I don't live with quiet people.  It's been hard, and getting harder.  I have to listen to vulgar rap music or loud talking or peoples' tvs or movies.  It wears you down after a while.  It gets to you.  Time is going by fast, but not fast enough if you ask me.

Getting Ready for our Next Mission

It has been a few days, but they have finally given us a new mission.  I will be leaving in a few days.  Until then I am still trying to get my new truck ready.  We have been working hard to get the maintenance guys to install everything that it needs including offering to do some of the work ourselves.  It has come down to a little solenoid, like the ones on old Ford starters, that they use to ground out the huge spotlights that we roll with that they don't have in stock and are waiting to receive on order.  I get to go again tonight and check to see if they have gotten any in and can finish the truck.  If not, because we won't have spotlights, we will have to borrow someone else's truck again!  I really hope it doesn't come to that.  

Things have started changing here because of the new Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) that the US has with the Iraqi government.  If you didn't know already our legal authority to be here has been turned over from the UN to the Iraqi government.  We are now guests at their request and not occupiers anymore.  That means that we are handing over control of all the bases and eventually all the operations.  We have to follow their rules.  We have been having meetings to discuss what changes we will have to do to comply with all of this.  Basically for me it means that I cannot force a car to pull over to let our convoy by.  If they want to drive next to us I have to let them.  I figure most people will still pull over, but they don't have to any more.  It also means more scrutiny if any incident does happen.  Like if one of our crane drivers (see previous posts to find out my opinion of those) hits a car!  It has almost happened.  I hope I never have to fire my weapon, but if I do that would also come under more scrutiny.  It makes our job more complicated, but it is also a necessary step for these people to get their country back.  Eventually the Iraqis will be in command of my base and an Iraqi unit might even replace us on convoy security.  In fact on our last mission an Iraqi convoy passed us up as we were pulling guard duty.  They were doing the same thing complete with their own gun trucks, crane and flatbed trucks with concrete barriers on them.  The more they do it the less I have to.  

New Truck Smell

Well, they finally gave us our new truck today!  I am really excited about it.  It still needs a lot of work to be ready to roll out of the gate like adding spotlights all over it and all of the radio and electronic jamming equipment, but we have been working hard to get maintenance and commo (communication section) to get on with the work.  We have three or four more days before our next mission and we want it ready by then.  We have been rolling in an older truck that doesn't have all of the armor on it that the new trucks have.  In fact the older truck is just like the one I drive back in Ft Worth except with some metal plates welded to it.  The new truck is one of those huge MRAPs.  It weighs 25 tons and has room for seven people.  We only have three so there is a lot of extra space for our gear and for snacks.  It's like a big SUV!  It is nice to be able to break in a new truck.  We got to open all the boxes full of tools and extra equipment that comes with the truck and it even has that new car smell.  We get to tell maintenance how we want everything set up.  We get to load our gear in it like we want it and get to keep it that way.  It will be nice not having to borrow other peoples' trucks when we go on missions to places too dangerous for our previous truck.  I just hope that we get it ready in time for our next mission.  Now I just have to figure out how to plug up my iPod to the new system so we can have some entertainment on the road.  

Glorified Guard Duty

The past couple of nights I have been guarding construction workers as they set up a blast walls.  It is not the funnest mission we have to do.  We drive our 30 ton trucks down to the construction site and sit in them until their night's work is done.  We can sit for as much as six hours guarding them just in case.  We bring lots of snacks and empty gatorade bottles.  The snacks are to keep us awake and the gatorade bottles are for convenience (so we don't have to get out of the bullet proof truck).  All the snacks that you at home send me are put to use during these missions.  This mission we didn't quite make it to lead scout, but we were moved up to 2nd truck.  That means that we lead the convoy and set it's pace.  The lead scout is as much as one km ahead of us so we are the first element in the actual convoy.  I have to have good eyes, but not as good as the scout.  It is fun being up front instead of at the back.  I can see farther out in front and can anticipate things better.  It also carries with it some prestige.  For this mission we escorted some construction equipment driven by local nationals (LN...our name for Iraqis).  I had my hands full looking out for danger and making sure the crane driver behind me didn't get lost.  There were some close calls as I think the driver was later to be discovered to be RETARDED (notice the sarcasm).  He almost hit several parked cars on the side of the road and missed rear-ending us by only a couple of inches.  They told us in training that leading LN or TCN (Third Country Nationals...non Iraqis but not American) was like herding cats, but now I've seen it for myself.  Apparently he was a better crane operator than a crane driver and we finished our mission ahead of schedule.  

I like going out on missions.  It is too easy to get depressed and home sick sitting around here with nothing but stupid little stuff to do.  Missions keep me busy and happy.  I get beat up standing in the gun turret by the bumpy roads and feel like I fell down the stairs when I get back at the end of the day, but I am getting used to it and it isn't as bad as it used to be.  The only real problem is the cold.  It was near freezing the past couple of nights and I ride in an open hatch.  All that motorcycle riding in the winter is paying off!