An Excerpt from my Journal

I know that this will be quite a long post, but after writing this in my journal today I wanted to share the whole entry in its entirety.  I hope you enjoy!

I have a couple of hours before I have to leave on mission. Today has been one of those days when I just feel in the zone. I woke up a few hours ago and the power was off. I have a corner room so I have two windows. They are usually covered with think blankets so that I can sleep during the day in darkness, but under the circumstances I was able to draw back the blankets and have some light. I couldn’t use my computer and it was quieter than it has ever been. Partly because the air conditioner wasn’t blowing and partly because everyone else left the are to be out of the darkness. It was a nice time to just sit in my chair and be alone. I read a little bit our of the book “Bridges of Madison County” that I found in our day room. I’m not quite sure what I think about the book, but it at least made me think. I guess that is what good literature is supposed to do even if you disagree with the author.

I had plenty of time because of our late SP time so after a while I decided to go out walking and do a few errands. I dropped off some laundry at the laundry facility and then walked to the PX. I was looking for some earbuds to take with us on this mission because my headphones are a little bulky to pack and carry around with me but the PX didn’t have any in stock. Instead I got a Newsweek magazine and some microwave popcorn. I wanted to go to chow but the DFAC didn’t open for quite a while so I decided to just sit at a picnic table outside the PX and read a little out of the magazine. I didn’t read much though because another soldier came up to me and started a conversation. I had never seen him before but I recognized the “Keystone” patch on his sleeve telling me he was part of the Pennsylvania National Guard Striker brigade that is also stationed here at camp Taji. I told him about Andy being from Pennsylvania and we made small talk for a little while. I was a little surprised at how bold he was to start the conversation, but enjoyed talking to someone. When his cigarette was finished he stood up and left leaving me to my reading. I read for a little while and then got up to go eat. It was nice just sitting there with my thoughts. It was warm today, but by this time a dust cloud had risen in the west and obscured the afternoon sun cooling things off a bit. It is a desert heat hear and the shade is considerably cooler than the direct sunlight. It was quite pleasant to sit and walk in. I walked to the DFAC, talked a little with an old friend from Steve’s body shop (who repainted my Mustang) who was also in line and then sat by myself. Once again it was nice to have time to just sit and ponder things. After a while SPC Herrera came and sat next to me and we had a good time talking about the strange fruits of south and central America. He lived in Panama for a few years. It was a nice slow meal.

Now I am back in my room eager to just express my thoughts as I wait to leave again. I like how I feel on days like this. I feel relaxed and at peace. My mind is active though and I like pondering things. When I feel this way I want to read things and write things and think about things. I wish I felt this way more often at home, and have tried to think of ways that I can do that but I am not quite sure I know what it is that puts me into this mood. I think part of it has to to with the simplicity of life here. There really isn’t much to worry about here like there is at home. Life is difficult here but simple. I think that frees me up to just think and ponder larger issues than day to day necessities. I don’t watch as much TV although I do watch some. I hope that when I do go home I can figure out a way to find some time to just sit in a quiet room or go outside to a public place and just sit there and let the worries of life fall off my mind for a little while.

As I was thinking today I thought of a few good ideas. I think that I am going to start a journal of my thoughts on different issues. I have a lot of different ideas and opinions on many different issues and have been looking for a way to express them in more concrete terms but up until know have not found a way to do so in a way that is comfortable to me. I have tried and failed many times. This time, instead of trying to write letters to people or articles to newspapers I am just going to put a subject in a heading on a sheet of paper and write about it. As time goes on I can write more about it or change what I have written as my ideas evolve. I thought about getting paper journals to write them on. The tangibility of paper and pen have something romantic and appealing about them. But I decided that I would write them on this computer like I am writing this journal. As I become better at typing I can write my thoughts almost as fast as I think them. Writing can be romantic, but cumbersome. Not to mention that I am a terrible speller and the spell checker on the computer will make me look better.

I like the digital age where you can fit so much information and do so much with one small tool that fits in a knapsack.

I also had a fleeting thought about how being here has been good for me in the fact that it has gotten me away from all of the day to day cares that distract me and let my mind be free to contemplate higher things. It isn’t just in an intellectual sense either. I feel like this has been a spiritual test too. When this all started I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it. I am the only member of the church here and I am far away from anyone looking over my shoulder making sure I do the right things. I knew that I could either become more like the people here in order to fit in better and make the time more enjoyable or I could stand up and be different but keep my values in tact. I didn’t know what I would do or how I would react. I was nervous because I knew my own weaknesses and feared that in this environment I would succumb easily to them. I struggled at the beginning with these questions and these weaknesses wavering back and forth over this line. Then I was faced with the question of reenlistment. That story has already been recorded. I chose to follow the Lord on that occasion. Then came the decision to have another baby. Once again I decided to follow the Lord and what I knew I was supposed to do. I feel that I have made my choice. I have put my life in the Lord’s hands and have made that commitment to do these things even though they are difficult and given my own choice I would have avoided them. I feel the spirit with me now. I feel the peace of knowing that I am with the Lord and that he is on my side. I don’t worry anymore about fitting in or whether or not my weaknesses will get the best of me. I still have them, but I know that when it comes down to it I will follow the Lord.

I think that this has helped me free my mind as well. I feel like I did near the end of my mission when I was working hard and had no regrets. My mind was opened then too and I perceived and conceived of things that I never had before. I have looked for that feeling ever since and hadn’t found it until now. Mission life is simple too. Hard but simple. Lots of time to sit and think about the important things of life. But time alone isn’t all. The spirit, when you are worthy of it, will quicken the mind and lift the spirit and help you fulfill your full potential. I just hope I can bring this home with me this time.

I really was meant to come here and do this.  I thank the Lord for his hand in my life.