Listening to the Still Small Voice

It is fast Sunday today, and although I don't usually fast out here, I am prompted to think back over the past month and remember all of the things that the Lord has done for me.  This month has been special.  I have felt the hand of the Lord and have heard His voice like at almost no other time in my life.  This story starts out before I left to come here.  As I pondered the reality of my leaving home and coming out here one thing kept entering my mind.  I felt that this was where I was supposed to be.  I had opportunities to get out of it.  The army wanted me to go to Officer Candidate School (OCS) and become an officer.  That would have gotten me out of at least this deployment.  I could have transfered or made a bigger deal about some medical issues.  Julie and I felt very strongly that I shouldn't go to OCS or try to get out of it.  As I received priesthood blessings from my father and gave them to my family I felt it even stronger that this is where the Lord wanted me.  More than that I felt that there was a reason for me to be here.  I knew that coming here would somehow prepare me for things yet to come and that I could not fulfill the Lord's purposes for me unless I made this trip.  

I felt it strongly and it gave me and Julie comfort and strength to undertake such a difficult thing.  I have been away from home now for six months.  I continued through all my difficult times by holding on to the faith in my feelings that I was doing the Lord's will.  At times all I wanted to do was finish this and go home to my family to never leave again.  I thought that I could learn what I needed to and be done with the army for good.  My current contract with the army is set to expire at about the same time that I am scheduled to return home.  I have wanted so badly to just walk off that plane, take off my uniform and never put it on again.  The Lord, as it turns out, has other plans for me.  

On February 1st I went to church for really the first time since I arrived.  It was fast Sunday and I bore my testimony.  It felt like I was in the temple.  I will never forget the spirit that I felt at that meeting.  There are only a handful of members on this base and the sacrament that day consisted of chocolate muffins and water because that is all that was available (I have had bread, cake, and Catholic communion wafers for the sacrament since I have been here).  I haven't missed a church meeting since that day, even when in the middle of a mission.  A couple of weeks ago, as I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, a thought entered into my head.  I thought that the army wouldn't be so bad if I was doing something different or if I was an officer.  The thought pierced me deeply and I couldn't stop reflecting over it.  Eventually I dismissed the thought as impossible.  There was no way that I was going to stay in the army after this deployment.  

A week went by, and I found myself in Sacrament meeting again.  We watched a recording of a CES fireside as our "Sacrament talk".  The words of the speaker brought the thought again to my mind.  I felt as though the Lord was speaking directly to me this time.  I needed to stay in the army and become an officer.  I couldn't ignore what the spirit was telling me, but after the meeting I again convinced myself that there was no way I was going to do anything like that.  There are some benefits to re-enlistment and becoming an officer though.  There are large re-enlistment bonuses that can total tens of thousands of dollars not to mention the extra money an officer makes if I were to be deployed again.  I would also get my own room as an officer and not have to deal with what I am dealing with now.  I thought that the least I could do was talk it over with Julie when I came home on leave next month.  

In my mind I was satisfied with my plan.  Procrastination is always an easy justification.  I found out over the next couple of days, however, that after the 28th of February the army would be drastically cutting back it's bonuses for re-enlistment.  Apparently with the downturn in the economy it is easier to recruit people.  If I was going to make a decision it had to be within a few days.  I was tortured by the prospect of making this decision.  I wanted to wait to talk to Julie in person.  As I sat in the back of my truck one night, as I do before each mission, I prayed to have help in making this decision.  The feeling was immediate and unmistakable.  I knew that the the Lord wanted me to stay in the army.  I fell to my knees and pleaded with Him.  I broke down into tears.  I couldn't do what he was asking me to do.  Doing so would mean much more time away from my family and more difficulty and misery for me.  OCS is as difficult as basic training and officer basic courses can be up to a year long, not to mention future deployments and years of commitment to the army.  No bonus is worth that.  I could not shake the feeling however that this was why I was here.  I decided to talk to Julie about it that night.  I went on my mission, came back and tried to forget about it.  I didn't talk to Julie about it and I convinced myself that I just couldn't do it.  Maybe it was a test to show me what I really wanted, I thought, and what I really wanted was to go home.  I cannot say this any stronger.  I did not want this!  If I could just put the decision off the bonuses would go away and there would be no reason to do it.   

The next night I found myself back in my truck, trying to not think about it.  I couldn't.  The story of Jonah came to my mind.  Jonah was asked to do something he really didn't want to do but he couldn't escape the Lord's plan for him.  He tried to escape but his life became miserable and in the end he obeyed anyway.  I realized that the deadline for the bonuses could come and go but the requirements of the Lord would not.  All I would be doing was loosing out on the reward and end up making the same decision.  I couldn't escape by waiting.  I also realized that some things in life are supposed to be hard, and that although the Lord wants us to be happy, He often requires us to do unpleasant and difficult things.  I thought of Joseph Smith and all the early saints.  I thought of my favorite Book of Mormon heros.  I would not be the first, nor last man, that would be required to leave his family in the fulfillment of His service.  As bad as I did not want this, I could not ignore what I was feeling.  I did not then and do not now doubt that the Lord was speaking to me.  I felt stronger than I have felt anything before that this was the Lord's will and that if I did not obey I would be willfully turning my back on Him.  

I felt calm and at focused.  I decided not to fight it, but to simply obey.  I KNEW that this was why I am here.  I knew that now I was ready.  I knew that the Lord had spoken to me and that this was His desire for me.  I knew that my happiness depended upon my obedience and that my failure to obey would only bring misery to me and my family.  I knew that Julie would feel the same way because it was right.  My fear left me.  I got back from my mission and asked Julie, by instant messenger, what she thought of me staying in the army and becoming an officer.  I was not surprised at all when she immediately agreed and said she felt good about it, even if it meant more time away from me.  I talked to the guy in charge of re-enlistment and he said that I was eligible for $32,000 worth of bonuses including cash and student loan repayment.  I told him to proceed with the paperwork.  I talked to my captain and he said he would be honored to recommend me for OCS and even a direct commission if he could. He is really excited.  I haven't signed any paper, but the request for the bonus has been made and the process has gotten started.  The re-enlistment guy came up to me today and said that as he was entering my request into the computer that it told him that I was actually eligible for $50,000 worth of student loan repayment making the total bonus $65,000!  I have found a new purpose and motivation in my work.  I am not afraid to go home and face the financial challenges that await me there now.  Julie and I want to have more children, and now we have found a way.  All this is great, but I don't think these blessings are the only reason the Lord wanted me to do this.  These are just the benefits of obedience.  I don't know what is in store for me.  I feel that this too is just another step in my journey, but I have faith that if I listen to the Spirit and obey they Lord when he speaks that I will be watched over and blessed and that I will end up where He wants me to be, when He wants me to be and that I will be prepared for whatever it is I will find there.  The Lord has always known that I was born to be a warrior.