Listening to the Still Small Voice

It is fast Sunday today, and although I don't usually fast out here, I am prompted to think back over the past month and remember all of the things that the Lord has done for me.  This month has been special.  I have felt the hand of the Lord and have heard His voice like at almost no other time in my life.  This story starts out before I left to come here.  As I pondered the reality of my leaving home and coming out here one thing kept entering my mind.  I felt that this was where I was supposed to be.  I had opportunities to get out of it.  The army wanted me to go to Officer Candidate School (OCS) and become an officer.  That would have gotten me out of at least this deployment.  I could have transfered or made a bigger deal about some medical issues.  Julie and I felt very strongly that I shouldn't go to OCS or try to get out of it.  As I received priesthood blessings from my father and gave them to my family I felt it even stronger that this is where the Lord wanted me.  More than that I felt that there was a reason for me to be here.  I knew that coming here would somehow prepare me for things yet to come and that I could not fulfill the Lord's purposes for me unless I made this trip.  

I felt it strongly and it gave me and Julie comfort and strength to undertake such a difficult thing.  I have been away from home now for six months.  I continued through all my difficult times by holding on to the faith in my feelings that I was doing the Lord's will.  At times all I wanted to do was finish this and go home to my family to never leave again.  I thought that I could learn what I needed to and be done with the army for good.  My current contract with the army is set to expire at about the same time that I am scheduled to return home.  I have wanted so badly to just walk off that plane, take off my uniform and never put it on again.  The Lord, as it turns out, has other plans for me.  

On February 1st I went to church for really the first time since I arrived.  It was fast Sunday and I bore my testimony.  It felt like I was in the temple.  I will never forget the spirit that I felt at that meeting.  There are only a handful of members on this base and the sacrament that day consisted of chocolate muffins and water because that is all that was available (I have had bread, cake, and Catholic communion wafers for the sacrament since I have been here).  I haven't missed a church meeting since that day, even when in the middle of a mission.  A couple of weeks ago, as I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, a thought entered into my head.  I thought that the army wouldn't be so bad if I was doing something different or if I was an officer.  The thought pierced me deeply and I couldn't stop reflecting over it.  Eventually I dismissed the thought as impossible.  There was no way that I was going to stay in the army after this deployment.  

A week went by, and I found myself in Sacrament meeting again.  We watched a recording of a CES fireside as our "Sacrament talk".  The words of the speaker brought the thought again to my mind.  I felt as though the Lord was speaking directly to me this time.  I needed to stay in the army and become an officer.  I couldn't ignore what the spirit was telling me, but after the meeting I again convinced myself that there was no way I was going to do anything like that.  There are some benefits to re-enlistment and becoming an officer though.  There are large re-enlistment bonuses that can total tens of thousands of dollars not to mention the extra money an officer makes if I were to be deployed again.  I would also get my own room as an officer and not have to deal with what I am dealing with now.  I thought that the least I could do was talk it over with Julie when I came home on leave next month.  

In my mind I was satisfied with my plan.  Procrastination is always an easy justification.  I found out over the next couple of days, however, that after the 28th of February the army would be drastically cutting back it's bonuses for re-enlistment.  Apparently with the downturn in the economy it is easier to recruit people.  If I was going to make a decision it had to be within a few days.  I was tortured by the prospect of making this decision.  I wanted to wait to talk to Julie in person.  As I sat in the back of my truck one night, as I do before each mission, I prayed to have help in making this decision.  The feeling was immediate and unmistakable.  I knew that the the Lord wanted me to stay in the army.  I fell to my knees and pleaded with Him.  I broke down into tears.  I couldn't do what he was asking me to do.  Doing so would mean much more time away from my family and more difficulty and misery for me.  OCS is as difficult as basic training and officer basic courses can be up to a year long, not to mention future deployments and years of commitment to the army.  No bonus is worth that.  I could not shake the feeling however that this was why I was here.  I decided to talk to Julie about it that night.  I went on my mission, came back and tried to forget about it.  I didn't talk to Julie about it and I convinced myself that I just couldn't do it.  Maybe it was a test to show me what I really wanted, I thought, and what I really wanted was to go home.  I cannot say this any stronger.  I did not want this!  If I could just put the decision off the bonuses would go away and there would be no reason to do it.   

The next night I found myself back in my truck, trying to not think about it.  I couldn't.  The story of Jonah came to my mind.  Jonah was asked to do something he really didn't want to do but he couldn't escape the Lord's plan for him.  He tried to escape but his life became miserable and in the end he obeyed anyway.  I realized that the deadline for the bonuses could come and go but the requirements of the Lord would not.  All I would be doing was loosing out on the reward and end up making the same decision.  I couldn't escape by waiting.  I also realized that some things in life are supposed to be hard, and that although the Lord wants us to be happy, He often requires us to do unpleasant and difficult things.  I thought of Joseph Smith and all the early saints.  I thought of my favorite Book of Mormon heros.  I would not be the first, nor last man, that would be required to leave his family in the fulfillment of His service.  As bad as I did not want this, I could not ignore what I was feeling.  I did not then and do not now doubt that the Lord was speaking to me.  I felt stronger than I have felt anything before that this was the Lord's will and that if I did not obey I would be willfully turning my back on Him.  

I felt calm and at focused.  I decided not to fight it, but to simply obey.  I KNEW that this was why I am here.  I knew that now I was ready.  I knew that the Lord had spoken to me and that this was His desire for me.  I knew that my happiness depended upon my obedience and that my failure to obey would only bring misery to me and my family.  I knew that Julie would feel the same way because it was right.  My fear left me.  I got back from my mission and asked Julie, by instant messenger, what she thought of me staying in the army and becoming an officer.  I was not surprised at all when she immediately agreed and said she felt good about it, even if it meant more time away from me.  I talked to the guy in charge of re-enlistment and he said that I was eligible for $32,000 worth of bonuses including cash and student loan repayment.  I told him to proceed with the paperwork.  I talked to my captain and he said he would be honored to recommend me for OCS and even a direct commission if he could. He is really excited.  I haven't signed any paper, but the request for the bonus has been made and the process has gotten started.  The re-enlistment guy came up to me today and said that as he was entering my request into the computer that it told him that I was actually eligible for $50,000 worth of student loan repayment making the total bonus $65,000!  I have found a new purpose and motivation in my work.  I am not afraid to go home and face the financial challenges that await me there now.  Julie and I want to have more children, and now we have found a way.  All this is great, but I don't think these blessings are the only reason the Lord wanted me to do this.  These are just the benefits of obedience.  I don't know what is in store for me.  I feel that this too is just another step in my journey, but I have faith that if I listen to the Spirit and obey they Lord when he speaks that I will be watched over and blessed and that I will end up where He wants me to be, when He wants me to be and that I will be prepared for whatever it is I will find there.  The Lord has always known that I was born to be a warrior.  

Lights in a Sand Storm

This is what lights look like in a sand storm.  This is the night we had so many adventures.

For the first couple of days of our mission, including the one when we had contact with the enemy, I had to drive this instead of my normal truck.  

Fire Fight

Here is what it looked like from my perspective!

Some Excitement

I just finished another long mission and have some time to write about it.  I have so much to write I will probably split it up into two posts.  I'm telling you just in case you are confused.  This was another mission just like the last one, we went to the same place and did the same thing.  Usually it is a boring mission.  The drive is a couple of hours and then we have to wait for up to six hours for the trucks we are escorting to flip their cargo so we can come home.  This time we got smart and my driver brought his portable DVD player and we watched a lot of movies in the back of our truck while we waited.  The DVD's helped, but they weren't the only thing that made this mission a little more exciting. 

I guess as the weather warms up the enemy is becoming a little more active, especially along the rout that we usually travel on.  Last night, in fact, we had to take an alternate route because a fuel tanker was blown up on or normal route while we were waiting for our cargo to flip.  That means that we passed the bomb on the way in!  A few days before that we were involved in a couple of interesting situations.  It turned out to be a long night.  First, not long after leaving the base on our way home, we came upon a telephone pole that had fallen in the road blocking our path.  Upon further investigation it became obvious that the pole had been felled by a very big bomb a few minutes before our arrival.  It left a crater four feet deep and blew a section of the road apart.  I am in the second truck in the convoy so although I was not right next to it, I had a front row seat.  We still don't know what happened, but our guess is that either they blew the bomb on purpose to block the road in anticipation of an ambush (which never happened although we kept a sharp eye out for it) or that it went off early and that their target was the next convoy to pass (which was us).  Either way, it got our attention!  After about an hour we made a path around the debris and continued on.  

A few miles later, and as the sun was just coming up, we heard a large BOOOM!  An Iraqi police officer signaled us to stop and explained to the truck in front of us that a bomb had just gone off a little farther down the road.  We decided to continue on because we really needed to get the convoy home before it got too late. It wasn't long before we came upon the scene of the explosion.  A few infantry soldiers in armored personnel vehicles had just arrived on the scene and were taking care of a civilian whose truck had been blown up.  Our lead truck went forward to assist while we stayed about 200 meters behind to provide security for the semi trucks behind us.  As they approached the infantry soldiers the guys who set off the bomb started shooting from a nearby building.  We could hear the shots and our lead vehicle could see the muzzle flashes.  They couldn't return fire because the infantry had moved into their line of fire, but they were still in the line of fire of the enemy.  After a short firefight between the infantry and the enemy, the enemy ran off.  I got to watch the whole thing!  I wasn't scared (I am in a bullet proof truck) just interested in finding my camera so that I could take some pictures!  We had to wait for a helicopter to land and retrieve the injured civilian and then for a tow truck to recover a stuck army vehicle that had gotten stuck in the mud during the action.  At about 8:00 am with the sun hight in the sky, we finally were able to proceed.  It was quite a night!  Once again, we think that the bomb went off prematurely, either by an innocent bystander (the civilian) or by the guy setting the bomb up (again the civilian).  The next convoy by was probably the target.  Either way, again, it was a close call.  Someone was looking out for us that two bombs went off just before we got to them, and not as we got to them.  That's the way it is out here.  

Well, now the mission is over and I have a day or two to relax before we go out again.  Our platoon is building a reputation for running into trouble.  We are the only ones who have seen anything since we've been here!  

Internet in Iraq

Well, this is the first time that I have been able to log on to blogger to post anything in a long time.  The internet here is expensive and inconsistent at best.  For the past two weeks I have not been able to view most web pages and have barely been able to email.  For those of you who like to send me emails with lots of pictures, it makes things difficult and you might reconsider next time!  All that for $60 a month!  You think they would give us a break, but I guess it's hard to get the internet way out here.  A lot has happened and it is hard to do it all justice.  I am safe and doing ok.  I have started to settle in to the realities of life here and my mood has gotten better.  I have been able to go to church for the past three Sundays in a row and they even gave me a calling to be in charge of the music (when I am there of course).  I put my church contacts to good use already.  The base optometrist is our group leader.  He was just called a couple of weeks ago.  He is my age and is a nice guy.  I stepped on my glasses last week at the end of a mission, and had to see him about getting new ones.  I showed up after hours, but since he knew me he saw me anyway and got me my glasses the next day.  They have a lab right here (in Georgia I had to wait two weeks!).  It is good to know people sometimes!  Well, I am in the middle of another mission, so I need to get some rest, but if the network connection stays good I will try to fill in for all the lost time in the next couple of days.

Can't Sleep

I am in the middle of a long mission and am starting to feel it's affects.  I have had a hard time sleeping at night after each days trip.  I am not sure why.  It started the first day that I went out.  I don't seem to be able to sleep more than four or five hours each night.  I just wake up and stare at the ceiling until I realize I am not going to go back to sleep and then I get up.  I have been able to get things done with my extra time, but it makes it so that I am tired during the mission and even can't help from dozing off to sleep while waiting for the trucks we are escorting to unload their cargo and load up for the return trip.  It is a little frustrating!  The longer I am here the more the stress has built up.  It is easy at the beginning to tell yourself that you can be tough for a little while and then it will be over, but a year is a long time and it takes a lot of energy to keep yourself motivated.  I am starting to have a tougher time doing it.  The ironic thing is that the relative safety of the situation over here is contributing to the unpleasantness of it all.  When there was actually a war over here the army treated its soldiers like they were at war.  Common sense usually prevailed over bureaucracy out of necessity and the mission was given priority over policy.  Well, with nothing much happening outside things have started to revert back to a peacetime army.  I read something interesting in a porta-potty last night that summed it up brilliantly (oh the profound insights to be had by reading porta-potty graffiti); "I came to war but garrison broke out".  The problem is that it is still dangerous out there and soldiers are still dying on a weekly basis.  We still have the stress of combat, now mixed with the stress of a training environment (for those who don't know, stress is the foundation of army training.  The idea is that if you can handle the stress of training you can handle the stress of combat).  Most of us prefer being out on the road because it is often LESS stressful than being back on post with all the stupid rules and stupid meetings and red tape and bureaucratic mess.  For example, during the elections here we were not allowed to conduct our normal operations.  We had three days of down time and instead of letting us have our down time and relax and unwind a bit, they planned two days of training.  They made us wake up in the middle of the day (when we are normally asleep) and "pretend" to go on a convoy through the streets of the base and had us run training scenarios.  It seemed to us that we had to wake up because the leaders who were running the training are awake during the day and didn't want to loose their sleep.  We were graded by people who rarely leave the safety of the base on things we do for real every day.  You can see how resentment and unhappiness could build up.  I read that suicides were up 300% in January over last January.  We even had a girl in my platoon intentionally hurt herself two days ago and is now in a hospital in Germany.  If you ask my opinion, this is why.  It is maddening at times.  I don't know if that is why I can't sleep, but I'm sure it doesn't help.  I don't mean to always sound so negative, but this has not been an easy experience for me and it helps to be able to write it down.  When the mission is over I will write about what an adventure it has been.  Possibly another reason why I can't sleep.  Maybe I'm just getting old.  I hear that old people don't sleep as much as young people.  I know I will have grey hair after this.  I can already start to see it.