I'm Home!!!

Well, I'm home!  I made it!  It's so nice to sleep in my own bed. 

The World is Off My Shoulders

I helped our replacements get the truck ready for tonight's mission and then sent them on their own way!  They won't get back for at least four days.  I am officially done with combat operations!!!!!  Now I just have to sit in the heat for a few more days before we catch our flight out of here.  I feel so light and I really miss home.  It will still be three weeks before I can actually come home, but I'm one big step closer.  As of now, August 8th is the target date to be released.  Hopefully it's sooner than that!

Too Close to the End

Our final mission is finally over.  We will probably have another one shared with our replacements but it won't be the same.  At least I hope that is all that is left.  Our last mission was a little too exciting for my taste, especially this close to the end.  A couple of days ago we were the targets of a rocket attack.  They missed, but only by a few hundred feet!  Events like that that would have made for good stories a few months ago aren't so amusing when you know you are so close to going home.  We are all safe though and no one got hurt.  We are just glad to be back off of our mission and resting for a few days until our next one.

Short Timer

When I was on a mission they called us trunky.  Here they call us short timers.  Although it will take me longer to actually get home, I have less than 30 days here in Iraq.  That's getting close enough to make it hard to concentrate or have much enthusiasm about the work I have to do.  We are in the middle of a long and boring mission carrying the mail between here and the place it is flown into.  The days are long and we don't get much rest between trips.  While the weather has been bad enough to cancel everyone else's missions, we have special dispensation to roll without medivac support because we are carrying the mail (medivac helicopters don't fly in dust storms!).  The bright side is that our replacements will be here in just a few days and they might even take over our mission before we are finished with it.  That would be great.  

My thoughts are a little scattered today and it is hard to write about them.  I haven't written about this before because of how difficult it is.  I try not to think about going home so that I can focus on my job and not feel miserably homesick, but writing about it opens up all those thoughts and feelings.  The army doesn't make it any easier when they start the preparations to move so early on.  We had to have our extra stuff packed and put in the shipping container last week.  In two days we are moving out of our comfortable barracks and into transient housing so that our replacements can move right into them when they arrive.  All this with almost a month left.  It makes it seem like we are about to leave, but then the reality hits that it is not over yet.  It makes it hard to not think about going home.  

I think that I had forgotten what a burden this all is.  I had been just doing my job and going about my business and my mind let me thing that it was normal and ok.  Then we had to pack our stuff.  Try as I might, I couldn't help but realize that the end was near.  I let down my guard as I was rolling my boxes out to the shipping container and felt the weight of all of this suddenly fall upon me.  Even when I went on leave I didn't let my guard down like this.  I knew I had to come back so I didn't let myself fully relax.  Julie might have noticed how I didn't want to talk about my deployment to a lot of people and didn't feel comfortable acting like I was home.  I realize now that it is going to be a lot different this time.  This time I get to go home and don't have to come back.  I'll be able to take the weight off my mind and face the reality of what I have just done and what now lies ahead.  I remember how it felt to come back from my mission.  I expect this to be the same in some ways but different in others.  

I guess I am rambling.  I wish I could organize my thoughts better.  It's hard to take in though and I'm still resisting letting myself really thing about it.  I just can't wait to get home.

The Poor

This isn't going to be a post about the war.  It is going to be a rant about my frustration with conservatives in Arlington.  

I am tired of being lumped in with the perpetual welfare recipients.  I am tired of the attitude that people have of the "poor people" in Arlington.  Yes, there are people who do not and will not ever contribute to society.  Some of them even live in Arlington, but most people who fall bellow the poverty line are like Julie and I.  We are young students who are in school or who just finished school who are trying to start our lives.  We have to start it from scratch and that means we might need a little help.  Most of us will go on to pay back society for what we take when we are young many times over.  We won't live below the poverty line forever.  

I am so tired of conservative and libertarians of our city who only judge all of us to be the same and unworthy of a place in society.  No public transit for the "poor".  No help from the city to help "poor" kids participate in recreation programs.  Why do I need to pay for the "poor" to do anything.  If they were meant to be part of society they wouldn't be "poor".  Their attitude is racist, bigoted and prejudiced.  Those are serious accusations, but they drip of the truth.  Judging all "poor" people as being the same, in such a negative way, is the definition of bigotry. It smacks of classism and European conservatism.  It denies people the dignity of being individuals.

It's funny how when I tell people that I am a soldier and that my family takes advantage of the grants and programs offered by the government for "poor" people how they show compassion and say, "of course we are willing to pay to help a soldier's family, it's just all the other's who don't deserve it that we won't pay for."  Once I am no longer a faceless member of the ranks of the "poor" it is ok.  Once I am a person with an understandable circumstance they are willing to pay.  Why then do we assume that everyone who needs these services is any less deserving than I?  Why are the 30,000 students at UTA ignored when talking about the "poor" who would benefit from mass transit, or public spaces or public programs?  Why are the young people of the city overlooked and ignored?  

The results are obvious if you look at them.  Young people are leaving Arlington.  Academics call it "white flight", but all it really is is the discouragement that young people, just starting out in life, feel about a city that doesn't care for them.  They leave, and their parents leave.  Once enough start to leave, the city has a reputation. 

There are other factors of course, but as a person who wants to see the city succeed and as a young person trying to start out his life, this is the one that affects me the most.  I wish these people would leave their houses and go talk to the people that live in their city with them.  Find out what their situations are and realize that most of these people, if encouraged to stay, will eventually become solid contributors to our community.   The huge majority of "poor" people don't stay poor.

Well, there it is. More war stories later...

Stress

I was surprised tonight to realize how well I have gotten used to the stress of our missions.  I've been driving down the same stretch of road for so long now that it has almost become commonplace.  As I sat there thinking about what I was doing, that I was actually looking for bombs that people might have placed on the side of the road, I realized how normal that had become and how little thought I had given it up until then.  Then I realized how alert I was and how tense I was and that I was always like that but that I hadn't really thought about it before or noticed.  It is amazing how well we cope with situations that we are put into.  Situations that if we were to step back and really thing about we would be very uncomfortable.  Suiting up and looking for bombs is just my job and it is what I do everyday.  It's become so common that I don't even think about it.  But that doesn't mean the stress isn't there.  It doesn't mean that as I am driving down the road my adrenaline isn't pumping or that I am not running through all of the scenarios of "what if" in my mind just in case.  It's just that now it's normal.  

I am back safe once again.  One more trip down and one less to do before I get to go home.  I'll be glad when I don't have to look out for bombs on the side of the road anymore.

The Worst Dust Storm Yet!

We are back in our tents at VBC after one interesting adventure. Outside the worst dust storm I have yet seen is raging. The wind is blowing hard and visibility is down to just a few feet! I have seen a lot of dust storms, but nothing like this. We were lined up earlier to leave on our return trip to Camp Taji when the storm blew up. It was already pretty bad out there, but we had gotten special permission to roll without air support. We were just starting our roll when the word came down that the mission had been canceled. We just had one problem. Our convoy was lined up at the gate with no room to turn around. We had to leave the gate, go down the road a couple of miles to a point were it was wide enough for us to turn around and then come back in the gate. The whole trip couldn’t have been more than four miles, but it took us 30 minutes. Even with his tail lights on, I couldn’t see the truck in front of me if he got more than 30 or 40 yards away. We crawled along with only our headlights on because any more than that made things worse.

Right before we rolled out we picked up an extra passenger. He was a First Sergeant from a company here at VBC that needed to get to Taji for some reason. When we got back inside the gate he asked if we could give him a ride back to his company. We said that we would, but it proved to be more difficult than we thought it would be. Once on post the storm got even worse. I couldn’t see more than 10 feet to either side of my truck. Our passenger tried to give us directions, but we couldn’t see any landmarks. I finally got as close as I thought I could to where he was directing us and told him he was going to have to walk. Being in the back of the truck where there are really no windows, I don’t think he understood how difficult it was for me to see anything. He seemed a little upset at my inability to find his stop until he opened the back door of the truck and was greeted by a wall of dust that blew into the truck as if it was water rushing in the open door. Our truck was almost instantly full of dust. He decided I had done a good enough job given the circumstances and quickly disappeared as he walked away. We drove back to our staging area and got our of the truck as quickly as possible. In the 40 or 50 yards from our truck to the tent we got covered in white dust like talcum powder. Most of us are still covered because we know that if we walk to the shower to get clean we will just be dirty again by the time we get back. Thank goodness for baby wipes!

Trip to VBC

I was going to write about my exciting trip to Victory Base in Baghdad, and how cool it is to be a soldier doing what I am doing, but then I read about Christian Hood's last mission he went on in Afghanistan and now I am not so sure I feel like bragging.  He is also in the Texas National Guard, but is serving in Afghanistan.  On his blog he writes of three days with no food or water at a mountain top observation point in the rain.  When they finally get to go home, they have to shoot their way through a Taliban ambush.  Wow!  Our night was not so bad compared to that.  We had to wait four hours on the highway for what is usually a 45 minute trip because a roadside bomb went off in front of us. They closed the road down.  I was going to complain about what it is like to just sit there waiting in the dark for some news or for the order to continue the mission.  How boring it is, and how tense it can be.  We were stuck on an elevated portion of a freeway in a location where the enemy likes to sit underneath and throw rocks or take pot shots at the trucks passing by above.  I had to leave the truck a couple of times to relieve myself, and my heart was in my throat each time as I left the relative safety of my big armored truck.  But after reading about Christian's experience, mine didn't seam so bad.  I had an air conditioned, bulletproof truck to sit in.  I am the driver so I have to most comfortable seat.  I had my iPod to listen to and watch recorded television shows on, and I drank cold soda from our cooler and had all the Doritos I could eat from the case that we carry in the back of the truck.  

I guess that I could die in a fiery bomb blast just as easily as Christian could be shot in an ambush, but I have to admit that I am a lot more comfortable and drive around in a lot more style than a lot of soldiers are and do.  If I ever found myself stranded with no food or water it would mean that things had really gone bad.  It's not likely to happen to me.   I guess I really don't have it so bad.  There is always someone who is in a worse situation than you are!  

More Pictures

These were large rooms that soldiers divided into individual rooms with plywood.

My room is at the end of this dark hallway.

The main hallway outside our little area.


Everyone seemed so interested I thought I would show some more.  It's not as nice on the inside.

Pictures of Home

Our company headquarters and main barracks.

There are showers in the portable building.  We also have indoor showers, but we have to clean those while contractors clean the portable!  Notice the bull on the ropes.

This is our courtyard, or "prison yard" as we call it.  Not too bad of a place to hang out... at least when it was cooler.

Vacation

I finally got around to writing something. I have been on “vacation” for the last two days. It was a surprise to me, but I have been trying to make the best of it. It started out quite different than it has turned out to be. About three days ago soldiers from the company headquarters came and found me just as I was waking up. They told me that I was leaving in about 12 hours to go on a four day pass to Qatar. I had been told a few weeks earlier that my name had been picked for an extra pass, but I hadn’t heard anything since then and had pretty much forgotten about it. Being in the army I am used to things changing. So I was pretty surprised when they actually came and told me I was leaving. I was also surprised to find out with such little time to prepare. I don’t know anything about Qatar or even why people go there on their passes. I guess they have set it up so that there are things that soldiers can do but as I asked around it all seemed to cost money. I guess the most popular thing to do their is drink. You can’t do that here, but you can there. Since I don’t drink that didn’t leave much. There is a mall, but I really don’t have much of a need to go shopping. That leaves restaurants like Chili’s. Basically four days of paying for all my own food and entertainment. I guess that is what a vacation is supposed to be, but I wasn’t really budgeting for it so the prospect was a little unnerving.

I know I am starting to sound negative about the whole thing, but I was starting to feel negative about the whole thing. To make it even less appealing, the trip down there is not pleasant. You have to ride a helicopter to Baghdad, and then an army transport for several hours to Qatar. All at strange hours. Finally once I arrived I would have to adjust to a day schedule and then adjust back to a night schedule once I returned. Pretty petty I guess. After all it is supposed to be treat and a vacation, but what I really wanted was just some time to relax. Not sight see, or go restaurant hopping or long hours of unpleasant travel, but just relax.

I was really nervous about it as I was getting ready to leave on the first leg of the trip a couple of days ago. I had to stay up all day in order to wait for our flight. The weather was bad, meaning of course too much dust in the air, so after waiting all day in the heat they finally cancelled out flight. Not only did we miss our chance that day to leave, They mixed things up and I didn’t get manifested on the flight leaving the next day. They said that I would have to wait on the standby list. I decided right then, after all my apprehension about the trip and after 24 hours without sleep, that I was going to ask if I actually had to go. I went back to headquarters and asked if I could just take my pass here on Camp Taji. They told me if that is what I wanted to do with my four days then they had no objection. I talked them into letting that first day be a travel day and not have my pass start until midnight. They told all the company leadership that I wasn’t to be touched or bothered or anything, and the let me go back to my room. I have been chilling ever since.

It has really been nice! I have gone to the PX and bought some souvenirs for my boys like I have been meaning to do for a while now and have spent some time in the gym. I have slept a lot and basically just done whatever I wanted to! I still have two more days of this and I think it has turned out great! I am still here, but I can feel the weight of my responsibility lifted off my shoulders and have been able to enjoy myself. And I have saved a lot of money!

Sand Storm on the Road

This is at about 4:00 in the afternoon!

About 100 miles south of Baghdad.

Dog Days

It's that time where it is close to us coming home, but not really close enough.  It's hard not to think about it and get excited about it and yet we still have a couple of months and a few missions to go.  One thing that makes it a little more difficult is that they are still adding all sorts of new things for us to do.  With such little time left, does it really matter if we start putting drip pans under our trucks when we park them?

I have also had a hard time lately because I was put in another truck.  I was made the driver in SGT Bruno's truck.  He was my TC all through training, and we were eventually separated because of personal problems between us.  I'm not sure what my platoon sergeant was thinking when he put us back together again.  At first we thought it was going to be a temporary assignment until I got put in charge of my own truck, but that never happened and now the assignment has become permanent.  At first we were professional and made it work because it was only supposed to be for one or two trips.  Now it has broken down to our old animosity and things are getting difficult.  We just don't like each other.  He wants to prove that I am only a specialist and he is a sergeant so he shows me little respect and treats me like an peon.  He doesn't "have my back" and is looking to call me out in front of everyone for anything little I might do wrong.  For my part I am frustrated by the lack of respect and fight his attempts at putting me down any way I can.  Shouting is often the result.  I think he is a terrible TC and a terrible NCO (and I know he knows that).  I almost want him to fail; 1) so he gets fired and I get his job, and 2) because he is always telling me how HE is in charge and that my opinion as a subordinate is irrelevant.  Since he doesn't want my input I take a perverse pleasure in keeping it from him even if it means his failure.  He sure does bring out the worst in me!  

I give most people the benefit of the doubt.  Even if I don't like someone I try to respect them as human beings.  I'm a nice guy.  But I hate this man.  Simple as that.  It is a problem and a sin but it's the truth.  I haven't felt this way about anyone in a long time.  I keep hoping that I get taken out of the situation and put back in my old truck, but the truth is I need to deal with my feelings and try to work it out.  Good luck to me!

Other than that I am well.  I am exercising a lot and wearing myself out.  I am healthy and am getting a lot of practice at my drawing and am showing some improvement.  I am gaining the respect of those around me (partly because they see how I've been treated and how I am handling it).  I am excited about having another baby! (Julie is pregnant if you didn't already know.  I had fun on my leave!) And I can't wait to get home.

Moroni Goes into Battle One More Time

The Heat is Here

Well, Iraq is starting to live up to its reputation.  Starting a few days ago it got hot and hasn't gotten any better.  It has been near 110 degrees during the day.  Now, this isn't as hot as it seems.  110 in Texas is about the worst thing I have ever felt, and I have lived in the Amazon!  It is so dry here that it feels a lot different.  It is still hot though.  It makes me glad that I work at night.  

I went to church today.  It was the first time in three weeks that I have been on post to go.  I finally gave up walking, mostly because of the heat, and convinced the people at OPS to give me the keys to a Hummer.  I got to drive to church in the air conditioning today.  A lot is changing around here.  The transition that will eventually lead to my replacement has started.  Some of our transportation elements are starting to be replaced (the people we escort) and the aviation brigade from the 4th ID is starting to be replaced by soldiers from the 1st Cavalry.  That means a lot of turnover at church.  There were only a couple of people there today that I recognized.  There are sure to be more people attending in the future as the new troops get settled in and people find the chapel where we hold services.   All the turnover means new callings and I have been asked to be the sunday school teacher.  I'm looking forward to it.  It will be easier than giving sacrament talks on short notice like I had to today.  My mission president told us that we should always have a talk ready and he wasn't lying! 

Speaking of replacements, the last time we were in Baghdad, which was a couple of days ago, we picked up a few soldiers that were just arriving to Iraq for the first time.  We brought them here to Camp Taji where they will be serving.  As we waited in the staging area for our time to leave I got talking to a couple of them.  They are from Washington and are relieving some of our transportation troops.  One of them looked at me and said, "I hear you are the artist", and pointed to my old truck.  A few weeks ago I had painted a stencil of the Angel Moroni on the turret because all the other guys in my platoon had painted the Archangel Michael on theirs (a catholic thing: the Archangel is the protector of the infantry).  I told the guy that yes I was the artist and he told me that he, and the soldier standing next to him, were members of the church and were really glad to see Moroni on one of the trucks after just arriving in Iraq.  I told them when and where church was held and we had a good time talking.  I was wondering if someone would ever comment on the stencil, and I'm glad that it worked!  I can't wait to get to know those guys (and a few others according to them) as they start coming to church.  

Back to Normal

Well, I think that things are getting back to normal for me. Not that things I am doing are normal with me being in a different truck doing a different job, but the way I am feeling is back to normal. I guess with this new mission that is a regular schedule day in and day out I a have lost the feeling that I had before. Now I anticipate things and expect them. My sleep is regular and now I’m getting too much because there isn’t any reason to get up. We work everyday but only for a few hours then we are off. It is nice that we are on mission and that no one is bothering us, but it isn’t like it was before. The unpredictability life during our last mission seemed to set me free. I don’t know if I feel that now.

It could also be that I am really tired after starting a this new workout routine!

I just don’t feel as focused as I was before. I’m not as motivated to read or write. My thoughts aren’t as deep. It was a good experience though while it was happening.

An Excerpt from my Journal

I know that this will be quite a long post, but after writing this in my journal today I wanted to share the whole entry in its entirety.  I hope you enjoy!

I have a couple of hours before I have to leave on mission. Today has been one of those days when I just feel in the zone. I woke up a few hours ago and the power was off. I have a corner room so I have two windows. They are usually covered with think blankets so that I can sleep during the day in darkness, but under the circumstances I was able to draw back the blankets and have some light. I couldn’t use my computer and it was quieter than it has ever been. Partly because the air conditioner wasn’t blowing and partly because everyone else left the are to be out of the darkness. It was a nice time to just sit in my chair and be alone. I read a little bit our of the book “Bridges of Madison County” that I found in our day room. I’m not quite sure what I think about the book, but it at least made me think. I guess that is what good literature is supposed to do even if you disagree with the author.

I had plenty of time because of our late SP time so after a while I decided to go out walking and do a few errands. I dropped off some laundry at the laundry facility and then walked to the PX. I was looking for some earbuds to take with us on this mission because my headphones are a little bulky to pack and carry around with me but the PX didn’t have any in stock. Instead I got a Newsweek magazine and some microwave popcorn. I wanted to go to chow but the DFAC didn’t open for quite a while so I decided to just sit at a picnic table outside the PX and read a little out of the magazine. I didn’t read much though because another soldier came up to me and started a conversation. I had never seen him before but I recognized the “Keystone” patch on his sleeve telling me he was part of the Pennsylvania National Guard Striker brigade that is also stationed here at camp Taji. I told him about Andy being from Pennsylvania and we made small talk for a little while. I was a little surprised at how bold he was to start the conversation, but enjoyed talking to someone. When his cigarette was finished he stood up and left leaving me to my reading. I read for a little while and then got up to go eat. It was nice just sitting there with my thoughts. It was warm today, but by this time a dust cloud had risen in the west and obscured the afternoon sun cooling things off a bit. It is a desert heat hear and the shade is considerably cooler than the direct sunlight. It was quite pleasant to sit and walk in. I walked to the DFAC, talked a little with an old friend from Steve’s body shop (who repainted my Mustang) who was also in line and then sat by myself. Once again it was nice to have time to just sit and ponder things. After a while SPC Herrera came and sat next to me and we had a good time talking about the strange fruits of south and central America. He lived in Panama for a few years. It was a nice slow meal.

Now I am back in my room eager to just express my thoughts as I wait to leave again. I like how I feel on days like this. I feel relaxed and at peace. My mind is active though and I like pondering things. When I feel this way I want to read things and write things and think about things. I wish I felt this way more often at home, and have tried to think of ways that I can do that but I am not quite sure I know what it is that puts me into this mood. I think part of it has to to with the simplicity of life here. There really isn’t much to worry about here like there is at home. Life is difficult here but simple. I think that frees me up to just think and ponder larger issues than day to day necessities. I don’t watch as much TV although I do watch some. I hope that when I do go home I can figure out a way to find some time to just sit in a quiet room or go outside to a public place and just sit there and let the worries of life fall off my mind for a little while.

As I was thinking today I thought of a few good ideas. I think that I am going to start a journal of my thoughts on different issues. I have a lot of different ideas and opinions on many different issues and have been looking for a way to express them in more concrete terms but up until know have not found a way to do so in a way that is comfortable to me. I have tried and failed many times. This time, instead of trying to write letters to people or articles to newspapers I am just going to put a subject in a heading on a sheet of paper and write about it. As time goes on I can write more about it or change what I have written as my ideas evolve. I thought about getting paper journals to write them on. The tangibility of paper and pen have something romantic and appealing about them. But I decided that I would write them on this computer like I am writing this journal. As I become better at typing I can write my thoughts almost as fast as I think them. Writing can be romantic, but cumbersome. Not to mention that I am a terrible speller and the spell checker on the computer will make me look better.

I like the digital age where you can fit so much information and do so much with one small tool that fits in a knapsack.

I also had a fleeting thought about how being here has been good for me in the fact that it has gotten me away from all of the day to day cares that distract me and let my mind be free to contemplate higher things. It isn’t just in an intellectual sense either. I feel like this has been a spiritual test too. When this all started I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it. I am the only member of the church here and I am far away from anyone looking over my shoulder making sure I do the right things. I knew that I could either become more like the people here in order to fit in better and make the time more enjoyable or I could stand up and be different but keep my values in tact. I didn’t know what I would do or how I would react. I was nervous because I knew my own weaknesses and feared that in this environment I would succumb easily to them. I struggled at the beginning with these questions and these weaknesses wavering back and forth over this line. Then I was faced with the question of reenlistment. That story has already been recorded. I chose to follow the Lord on that occasion. Then came the decision to have another baby. Once again I decided to follow the Lord and what I knew I was supposed to do. I feel that I have made my choice. I have put my life in the Lord’s hands and have made that commitment to do these things even though they are difficult and given my own choice I would have avoided them. I feel the spirit with me now. I feel the peace of knowing that I am with the Lord and that he is on my side. I don’t worry anymore about fitting in or whether or not my weaknesses will get the best of me. I still have them, but I know that when it comes down to it I will follow the Lord.

I think that this has helped me free my mind as well. I feel like I did near the end of my mission when I was working hard and had no regrets. My mind was opened then too and I perceived and conceived of things that I never had before. I have looked for that feeling ever since and hadn’t found it until now. Mission life is simple too. Hard but simple. Lots of time to sit and think about the important things of life. But time alone isn’t all. The spirit, when you are worthy of it, will quicken the mind and lift the spirit and help you fulfill your full potential. I just hope I can bring this home with me this time.

I really was meant to come here and do this.  I thank the Lord for his hand in my life.

Some More Pics for Fun

This is a transient camp where we stay when we are on the road.  Military GP mediums! With air conditioning.

Inside the tents aren't so bad.

For all of you that want to see the tools of my trade.  Notice the warning label on the top...even in the military...

Work Out

We are just relaxing after a long mission and it has been nice.  The only thing that I had to do today was exercise.  We had a PT test last week and I guess less than 40% of the company passed it (I passed) so we have a mandatory program that started this week.  We went to the gym tonight to do some muscle strength training.  It was a good work out!  I usually run, but it was nice to lift some weight with someone who knew what they were doing.  Now I'm just tired!  Oh, and I had an anthrax vaccination earlier in the day which makes it feel like someone punched me in the shoulder.  I've had a fun day.

Some More Pics

Added 12 May 2009:

Compare the photo above to my favorite photo from the surface of Mars...

Pretty cool huh? The sun is smaller on Mars because it is so much farther from it.